Fuck. This. Guy. I fucking hate him. He looks like someone left a dead turtle in a stagnant pool of water for a month then put glasses on it. And as his parent, it's your responsibility to abort him. Letâs make one thing clear: This man has no business giving me advice on anything post-Cold War Era, let alone my choice of amusement park. If this guy went on a roller coaster, his putrefied organs would ooze out of every orifice. In fact, THATâS what you should put in the commercial. Seriously, if you built a roller coaster called âDer Elderkillerâ and killed off your mascot in the commercial for it, I promise I would call and buy a season pass immediately. Whereâd you get this guy?
Thereâs only one thing Iâd buy from this man. Canned, unsalted peanuts. Thatâs it. Maybe adult diapers, but only if he promised his face wasnât on the package. I think what really gets me is that itâs clearly a young person wearing grotesque amounts of old man makeup. Whatâs the message there, Six Flags? Are you reaching out to old people? Young people who dress like old people? Musical Theater majors desperate for the most humiliating work possible? Hereâs a list of things that would have been more appropriate as a mascot for a roller coaster-based amusement park:
More Flags? More Fun? Mother Fuckers. Your mascot literally makes me sick to my stomach. Get that hideous thing off of my television so I can get back to my Fear Factor rerun. Because honestly, watching someone hork down rotten dongs is a lot more palatable than this decrepit, polyurethane diaper-faced reject from a Buzbee Berkley Musical. Eat Chocolate Skittles and die. Sincerely, A guy who hasnât ridden a roller coaster since Viper gave him migraines.
Whose job is it to solve crimes?
The cops will come swooping in the seconds the credits roll.
There is much to show you.
The most unrealistic thing about fictional villains is that they don't get arrested until the plot calls for it.