Google will unveil its entry in the growing smartphone market: the Google Nexus One. Over the last few weeks, blogs for dorks have been frantically quoting each other on the proposed specs for such a device in a sickening display of incestuous nerd news reporting. But while they were busy regurgitating each other's regurgitations over the Christmas break, I was deep undercover, foregoing familial contact and basic personal hygiene to get the real dirt on the new Google phone.
My story begins in the outskirts of San Jose, where I interviewed "Ron." Ron is a Google employee involved in the internal testing of the new Google phone - a practice which they have charmingly referred to as
"Can I ask you a few questions about the new Google phone?" I asked, beginning my interview.
"Pardon me?" Ron replied cautiously. "I'm not sure what you're talking about."
"Oh I see. You thought because I'm wearing a Taco Bell uniform, and because you're in a Taco Bell, eating Taco Bell food that I gave you, that I'm some sort of Taco Bell employee," I said, sitting down beside him in the Taco Bell where I'd worked undercover for the past 12 days. I'd been there waiting for a Google-y looking employee to come through the doors, before finally settling on Ron. I actually didn't know for sure if this guy was named Ron, but he had a kind of Ron vibe. "In retrospect I can see how you would be confused. I actually work for a very important media outlet, working the technology and sexual deviancy beats."
Ron's mouth moved up and down a bit without any noise coming out, sort of like he was doing a dry run of having a conversation.
"So because you're clearly a Google employee, I thought I'd ask to see if you were part of this 'dogfooding' setup where you're testing the new Google phone."
"How do you know I'm a Google employee?"
"You have the look of a high achiever who is just a little bit frightened by talking to strangers. You've also got a bit of a wiener haircut." Ron's hands unthinkingly shifted up to tidy his untidy-able hair.
"I can't really talk about it."
I nodded earnestly. "Because it's a secret program, and you don't want to get in trouble with your employer. I totally get that. I don't want to put you on the spot."
Ron looked relieved.
"I mean you've probably got very strict instructions to keep that stuff from the media."
"And from your friends and family."
Ron nodded again. "That's right."
"And I'll bet you were even warned about strangers. Bearing tempting offers."
Ron swallowed hard.
"A smooth talker with an envelope full of cash, perhaps. Attractive girls at bars, offering drinks. A man dressed as the Hamburglar, with soft hands, a motel room nearby and promises of secret backrubs."
Ron's eyes widened. I blew him a kiss. He tore out of there like the f*****g Road Runner.
Initially I thought that I was back to square one. But as I sat there, picking at Ron's meal, I noticed that in his haste to abandon our entirely hypothetical liaison, Ron had forgotten his jacket hanging on the back of the plastic Taco Bell chair. I wonderedâ¦ Reaching across the table, I patted down the pockets. Ahh. Yes. Ron had left the world's most secret phone in a Taco Bell, where any technology/sexual deviancy reporter could get at it.
And get at it, I did. I can report that the Google Nexus One has a touchscreen, and a full QWERTY keypad. There are also menus with a bunch of icons, including a music player, a weather app,