I got Shaquille O'Neal's phone call at about three in the morning. I knew the call was coming, so I was already awake. I knew exactly what this was about. "Statch," he said as soon I hit "answer" on my cellphone, "I need your help." He didn't even give me a chance to say "hello." "I did something stupid, Statch. Something really stupid." He was weeping. "I know, Shaq, and if I'm not mistaken, I'm pretty sure the whole world knows at this point."

"You gotta help me, Statch, you gotta tell me what to do." 'Statch' is sort of a nickname, by the way. Years ago, I was a fairly successful underground rapper who, due to the fact that I was so young at the time, was dubbed by the rap community as 'Statutory Rap' or 'Statch,' by close friends. Shaq, as you've probably deduced yourself, was one of those friends. "Tell me what to do, Statch. Just tell me what to do and I'll do it. Like old times." Old times. He never would've even gotten himself into this mess if he'd have just listened to me in the first place. In the early 90's, Shaq was in a bad way. Not in terms of basketball. He was doing fine, I guess, (or as fine as a basketball player could do in the early 90's who isn't on the Bulls). He was in a bad way in terms of rapping. His first CD without a major label, the almost impossible-to-find Oh, Kneel Before O'Neal was a commercial and critical failure. So, Shaq did what any aspiring hip-hop artist did in the early nineties. He came to see me. I gave him credit for having the good sense to choose me as his mentor. He could have gone to see any of the mainstream MC's, but he chose me, (while not the most commercially accepted rapper, I was the undisputed Archbishop of hip-hop to the underground scene), because integrity was important to him. "Teach me, Statutory Rap, Sir," he said at our first meeting. He was so nervous. And sweaty. Jesus Christ. "Teach me how to rap." I was impressed by his passion, his dedication and his inability to shoot foul shots. It was a character flaw we both shared. "Alright, Shaq. On the condition that you do exactly as I say, I will help you." Needless to say, Shaq agreed. Now, I don't like to brag and I don't want to go into the exact details of what I did, but I'll let history do the talking on this one. Shaq's first mainstream album,