Freddy Vs. Jason: Late Middle Age And Your High School Reunion
You're invited to the party of near-elderly irrelevance by Freddy himself with an opening monologue that puts others to shame, giving us a history of his murder sprees and complaining that he can't come back if no one remembers him. Being forgotten blows, so let's all get together for old time's sake.
The protagonist, Lori, is the first one smart enough to remember Freddy's name. At first, Freddy tries to use Jason's lumbering death corpse to give him power to come back, but when Jason starts stealing Freddy's targets, it gets him real pissed. Jason wasn't supposed to be the guy that could still break dance at the reunion! Freddy was supposed to bust a move.
New Line Cinema
If this movie had been made a decade earlier, they ABSOLUTELY would've had a dance-off at this moment.
But the proof that this movie knows you're old and lame is in its need to spell everything out for you. Like the scene at the table where they're talking about how Freddy brought Jason back, how Freddy is afraid of fire and Jason fears water, so how can we use that? They might as well have been shouting into your hearing aid. "Back in my day, the Nightmare films were 'The Dream Something' and Reagan was Jesus!"
The final battle really feels like closure on our pasts, even if we can all see it for what it really is: two old men fighting. It makes you remember how you got here. You feel at peace.
New Line Cinema
Crystal Lake High School: Class of the mid-'80s
A Nightmare On Elm Street (2010 Remake): Old Age And Death
At long last, you've made it to the end. And this remake is the tumbling demise of someone nearing the end of existence. You're about to die, but you're just grasping onto that final financial breath. Some kind of strange attempt to prove to everyone that you can be something more or something different. But by now, you don't need reinventing or fixing. You need to look back at your life and celebrate the best parts. Like all those glorious practical effects that have been buried here to make room for shitty CGI.
Warner Bros. Pictures
They stole the plot from the original, but they stole the effects from 1998.
In typical "gritty reboot" fashion, Freddy's "realistic" burn makeup is so thick that it renders him expressionless. Yet, he sure is a chatty dream murderer this time around. Reboot Freddy just talks too damn much. Like he didn't expect anyone to actually come over, and he's taking advantage of the company. He's trying to get it all out before he can't do it anymore.
The adults are too nice, and the teens in this movie are all bored drug addicts, which is the general world view of anyone who's retired to watch a constant stream of TV Land and Fox News. In the final battle, when Nancy screams to Freddy, "You're in my world now, bitch," we realize that we're probably already dead. And in Hell. Because never has there been a more flat and apathetic delivery in a Nightmare On Elm Street movie.
Warner Bros. Pictures
Indifferent Blah, starring Oscar-nominated performer Jackie Earle Haley.
With that line, the series dies, and we're ready to leave it and its allegory for life behind. We've been through nine movies that have guided us from puberty through death, and we've killed a lot of teenagers in between. Thanks, Freddy, for showing us the way.
You can find Loryn haunting Twitter.
The proliferation of beer pong and craft beer may have you think that we're living in one of the peak times to get drunk, but humans have been getting famously hammered for millennia. Like a frat house's lawn after a kegger, history is littered with world changing events that were secretly powered by booze. The inaugural games of the Roman Coliseum, the drafting of the US Constitution and the Russian Revolution were all capped off by major parties that most attendees probably regretted in the morning.
Join Jack O'Brien and Cracked staffers Carmen Angelica, Alex Schmidt, Michael Swaim, plus comedian Blake Wexler for a retelling of history's biggest moments you didn't realize everyone was drunk for.
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