7

Apartments For People With Seasonal Affective Disorder

Sure, windows seem great when it's sunny out, but what about a gloomy rain? I'd rather not take my chances, thank you very much. You can do wonderful things with UV lamps and colorful wallpaper these days. Never rolling the dice on the weather again? Get me a painting of a sunrise and sign me up!

6

Elephant Storage

Have you ever wondered where they store elephants when the circus is in town? If you're anything like me, the question is constantly on your mind, and 33 Thomas provides an obvious solution. With floors built to hold up to 300 pounds per square foot and an average ceiling height of 18 feet, it's hard to imagine what could be going on in there besides stabling elephants. So let's not!

5

Living Quarters For Survivalists Who Love The Big City

If you're preparing for a nuclear conflict (and who isn't these days?), but you aren't much of a country person, your living options are fairly limited. Sure, you could live in the Bronx, but the train service isn't great. 33 Thomas is one of the only buildings in New York designed to withstand a nuclear blast, so this is perfect for them. Not only that, but it can also support 1,500 people for two weeks during the ensuing fallout, even if all utilities and other businesses have not survived.

Who needs on-site gym or laundry facilities when you've got the amenity of being the only doomsday-proofed building? This could easily be an attractive rental option for people who simply have to attend galas at MoMA, but are also preparing to purify their own urine into drinking water after the smoke clears.

Plus, it's got incredibly fast and secure "backbone" internet access, so you can stream ballet from countries that weren't hit in the initial exchange.

4

MiB Headquarters

I have no evidence that the Men in Black are real, which is exactly what the situation would be if they were real! If that seems far-fetched, it certainly isn't any more far-fetched than it being a key site for a NSA program called "SKIDROWE."

3

Testing Site For Giant Vents

Because of its extreme windowlessness, ventilation is probably a bit of a concern in the building. That's why there are giant vents on the 10th and 29th floors. A 29-story windowless building with three basement levels that are a hub for a ton of international communication is the perfect place to test out your giant vents. Something tells me we're about to see a new player in the lucrative giant vent marketplace.

2

The Architect Forgot To Draw Windows

The simplest explanation is usually right. So it seems highly likely that the real explanation is that the architect of the building, Norm Alman, simply forgot to draw any windows on the building, as supported by this early sketch:

theintercept.com

Think about it. Have you ever seen a building where everyone involved forgot to put windows on it? No? Well that's because this is the one time that happened. There's got to be one out there, and this is it. I'm guessing it happened because Norm Alman was an amateur architect. That explains why we've never heard of him before or since. That's a lot of egg on his (real person) face!

1

Boring Stuff

As with most things, the truth is probably pretty boring. 33 Thomas was "designed to house long lines telephone equipment and to protect it and its operating personnel," which sounds very boring and technical, and therefore nothing like spying.

Besides, look how boring it looks. It looks like the most boring and inconspicuous building imaginable. So whatever is going on there, whether it's boring business stuff, boring technical stuff, or just an eco-friendly apartment building, let's all stop trying to find out what it is and get back to the exciting and fun things happening on the internet -- like posting our personal information on Facebook.

For example: I, Aaron Kheifets, do most of my clothing shopping online and have a surprisingly low tolerance for pain. Now your turn!

Aaron Kheifets is a writer who has not been kidnapped by the NSA. You can follow him on Twitter, where he will be tweeting "Everything is fine" every 15 minutes just to let you know everything is fine.

For more, check out 6 Insane Conspiracy Theories (That Actually Happened) and 5 Eerie Conspiracies Theorists Were Right About All Along.

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There are angels, and they are not beneficent or loving. Check out the first two books in Robert Brockway's Vicious Circuit series, and pre-order the third, Kill All Angels, available December 26th.