We previously informed you that the likelihood of any rumor concerning the new Star Wars movie being true is on par with the rumor we're inventing right now that, in Return of the Jedi, the grated trapdoor in Jabba the Hutt's palace was actually a giant toilet (and the Rancor got arch with Luke Skywalker because gangster puppets were raining shit down on him day in, day out).
"Look, man, how else do you affordably accommodate dozens of separate intergalactic species, each with their own unique diets and excretory systems? There's a rainbow of anuses up in here."
But what we didn't tell you is that if one Frankenstein-knits together all of the Episode VII rumors -- regardless of veracity -- you end up with THE MOST EXCITING STAR WARS TO STAR WAR IN THE STARS. Don't believe us? Read our draft below. Be sure to grab an old gym sock, because you're going to have a great big fangasm!
NOTE #1: Spoilers on? No, seriously, your guess is as good as ours!
NOTE #2: In the absence of useful rumors, we used all our brainpower dreaming up the new characters' names.
"To win back the public's trust, you're all named Chewbacca. Even you, Ford."
SCENE: Maybe the desert planet of Tatooine, but perhaps another planet defined solely by a single biome or climactic zone, such as Hoth or Dagobah or Humid Shithole VII or Lyme Disease World. We zoom in on starry-eyed would-be Jedi knight Kira Stellatrix Pulsepearl Crispnova (Daisy Ridley) and ex-Stormtrooper Ron Jones (John Boyega).
They are shotgunning fermented blue milk, because that's what unchaperoned younglings do in the Star Wars universe.
KIRA: Ron, look! A severed hand clutching a lightsaber!
RON: Is that a human hand or an android hand?
KIRA: [squints] It's unclear at this point!
RON: Sure is strange that we're unable to distinguish a human hand from a robotic one from a distance of less than a few inches!
KIRA: That's probably a sign that we're frighteningly stupid individuals!
RON: This planet's school system failed us!
KIRA: Try biting it! It could be a hand-shaped sandwich. A handwich!
RON: I already did! It tasted like space!
KIRA: So wait: What if this is a real hand AND the owner already had a mechanical hand SO he got another robo-hand SO now he has two mechanical hands AND he can spin them around really fast AND fly like a helicopter?
RON: Yeah, I bet he got surgery to replace his biological hand and the doctor was all like "Time to toss this bloody hand out the starship window, because space is just one big garbage dump."
KIRA: My teacher said half the universe is ancient urine!
RON: I bet that's why he threw out his lightsaber. Who needs light when you got fists?
KIRA: Let's cut off our hands and choke people!
[Thirsty for adventure and intoxicated on cerulean space yogurt, they do.]
SCENE: The Millennium Falcon. Han Solo and Chewbacca have tasked Kira and Ron with finding the rest of Luke Skywalker's body, which now has a beard. They fear Luke has fallen prey to a trio of evil "Jedi Hunters" (and/or Mandalorian mercenaries and/or Sith Witches). C-3PO accompanies our plucky duo, as they now sport rusty black-market cyborg hands that resemble giant crab pincers, and C-3PO does not have a windpipe.
KIRA: Do you think they cut off Luke Skywalker's dick?
RON: Oh, most definitely. That's where Jedi store their Force juice.
KIRA: But where would I store my Force juice?
RON: You'd have to chop off a Jedi's dong first and then plop it in a gunnysack. That's what my only cousin's only uncle's only son told me.
KIRA: Fuck that. I'd graft that shit onto my right stump. "Run, here comes Darth Handcock!" is what everybody I know would shout.
C-3PO: My word, you two are quite the pair of nattering ghouls.
RON: Aw, lighten up, Threepio. You weren't always such a prude.
C-3PO: I'll have you know that was a production error.
[The Millennium Falcon idles past a lush planetoid.]
RON: Hey, Threepio, what's that? Do people I can choke live there?
C-3PO: That, Master Ron, is the forest moon of Endor. It is inhabited by the Ewoks, a sentient species of pygmy bears-
[Ron points the Millennium Falcon's hyperdrive squarely at Endor's atmosphere. His landing incinerates millions of acres of pristine old-growth rain forest.]
EWOK #1: Yub nub! [dies]
KIRA: D'awww! I can't choke these Ewoks. They're so cute! And on fire!
[A too-cool-for-school silhouette emerges from the arboreal inferno.]
BOBA FETT: Don't be stupid. The Ewoks are the biggest sinners in this star cluster ... besides me.
C-3PO: No, the merciless bounty hunter Boba Fett! But you perished by the maw of the mighty Sarlacc at the Great Pit of Carkoon!
BOBA FETT: Excuse me, this 1994 Micro Machines playset is clear evidence I was present at the Battle of Endor.
"Yoda and I faked our deaths, because we are secret best friends."
BOBA FETT: For the past 30 years, I've hidden myself on Endor, allowing my badass mystique to slowly regenerate, living off the land and barbecued Ewoks.
C-3PO: You cad!
BOBA FETT: I'm doing the galaxy a favor. You see, the Ewoks are actually tiny, naked, insane old men. And their fur is a thick, fibrous layer of matted feces that confers no survival benefit except dysentery.
KIRA: Why were you eating them?
BOBA FETT: Uh, next question.
EWOK #2: Yub nub! [has diarrhea, dies]
C-3PO: Why must you tell us this, 30 years later?
BOBA FETT: In my dreams last night, I was visited by Greedo's ghost, some Midi-chlorians, and my clone-father's floating, decapitated head. They said this new information would make you sad.
KIRA: On the contrary!
[The Ewoks go extinct.]
SCENE: Kira, Ron, and C-3PO have infiltrated the Jedi Hunters' ice planet lair with the assistance of the Millennium Falcon's new pilot Starshoot Whizpopper (Oscar Isaac), who has no dialogue because his larynx was crushed.
C-3PO: Master Luke! It is so good to see you again!
LUKE: Threepio, old friend! Looks like you've brought the cavalry.
KIRA: DID THEY CHOP OFF YOUR PENIS.
LUKE: What? Uh, no.
KIRA: Cool. [pauses 30 seconds] DO YOU STILL WANT IT.
C-3PO: It's been terrible, Master Luke! I've been trapped on the Millennium Falcon with these two soupheaded blackguards for weeks. Every single day Mistress Kira asked me why I "never take a dump." At one point, Master Ron wondered aloud if asteroids could get pregnant.
RON: Hey, man, they do have clitorises.
KIRA: Look, if a weird old guy comes up to you and uses the word "destiny," he's calling you a stripper.
LUKE: On second thought, I think I've really made a home in this dingy cell. Feel free to keep my hand.
RON: Too late! I gave it to a stray dog.
SCENE: This semblance of a rescue is interrupted by the villains, Stormtrooper Captain Foonia Xeno (Gwendoline Christie), Dark Jedi Wally Universe (Adam Driver), and Lando Calrissian Jr. (David Oyelowo). Lupita Nyong'o is also somewhere in the building, but she too is crazy evil. Trust us, you would not want to hang out with her.
[Kira and Ron choke Foonia and Wally, obviating their need for further lines.]
LANDO JR: And it is I, Lando Calrissian Jr., who was the mastermind behind this dastardly scheme to kidnap Luke Skywalker! I've been pissed off ever since my father's contributions to the Rebel victory were eclipsed by the Jedi's. For example, my dad blew up the better Death Star!
"Also, his adventures were so exciting, you could mistake them for Prince albums."
KIRA: What did you say your name was again?
LANDO JR: Huh? Lando Calrissian Jr.!
LANDO JR: "Ohhhhhh" what?
KIRA: Never mind. Go on.
LANDO JR: No, by all means, you've already derailed my villainous monologue.
KIRA: Well, how do I put this ... I always assumed Ron was Lando's son.
KIRA: Hear me out! You and Lando are apparently the only two black guys in an entire universe populated by an infinite amount of suns and space and species, so it didn't seem like it was that much of a stretch that you were related.
LUKE: Hey, my dad's voice was black!
KIRA: So yeah, it was either A) that you and Lando were related or B) that you were both a single shape-shifter who incidentally could only turn into one of two black men. I just went with the more plausible option.
LUKE: I would just like to state for the record that I met this woman five minutes ago.
C-3PO: Mistress Kira, I regret to inform you your observation entirely discounts the existence of the deceased Master Windu, evil Lupita Nyong'o over there ...
Gordon Correll/Wikimedia Commons
LUPITA: Hello! Hiss!
C-3PO: ... and all ancillary Star Wars media, such as comic books and television shows.
KIRA: C'mon, Threepio! Nobody gives a crap about the Expanded Universe. They canceled it!
C-3PO: But ... but ... that means they canceled Christmas.
LANDO JR: Shut up! Shut up! Shut the hell up! Shit and shit and shit! You assholes wouldn't close your mouths in the vacuum of space!
RON: When this adventure is over, I plan to kiss the vacuum of space.
LANDO JR: Screw this, I'm just going to flat-out tell you my evil scheme, and it's "raising Sith Lords from the dead." So here's a resurrected Darth Vader, because he's the only one you give a crap about anyway. God, now I know why my father left this galaxy to make malt liquor ads!
DARTH VADER: [off-screen]
SCENE: Everybody looks to the ceiling. Four stories up, Darth Vader (WWE wrestler Sheamus) has just plowed his trusty dirt bike "Droid" through a stained-glass window in slow motion, blasting polychromatic shards every which way. It is powerful, arousing cinema magic.
Dirt Bike Magazine
This was foreshadowed 37 years ago. You just weren't paying attention.
[He points to Lando Jr.]
DARTH VADER: No, I am your father.
[He points to the rest of the cast.]
DARTH VADER: All of your fathers.
[He points to his crotch.]
DARTH VADER: Because your moms have ghost fetishes.
[He is cut off by John Williams' score -- a cliffhanger ending.]
Post-Credits Scene: "Also, Luke? C-3PO is technically your brother, so don't fuck him."