The Only Thing I Ever Took 10 Years to Make was my Son Cody, and he was Equally Disappointing

3D Realms has released a new trailer for Duke Nukem Forever, apparently in a last-ditch effort to avoid losing their status as most ridiculous gaming monstrosity. For anyone who hasn't followed this story heatedly from its outset (I've had men on it from day one…that's what she said), Duke Nukem Forever is the proposed sequel to a fairly decent FPS that sounded as if it would have been staggeringly, mind-blowingly decent if it were released in 1997 when it was meant to be. Then, for reasons even my own strapping team of investigative web-journalists have failed to uncover (one guy thought it was because of the Jews, but he's been fired), the game was delayed. And delayed again. FOR TEN YEARS. The news here isn't so much that the game got delayed into oblivion—a lot of games die that way—but rather that 3D Realms will occasionally trot out some video footage of the corpse to try and keep the thing alive, like a digital
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Weekend at Bernie’s. Here’s the teaser in question, which features some quick cuts of derivative-looking aliens, a homoerotic wraparound of the Duke flexing his guns, and some metal thrash guitar circa 1994.
Frankly, the teaser they released in 2001 (here lovingly recut by an adoring fan) had a lot more going for it.
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Sure, their heads are square, but you’ve got a shrink gun, a donkey being eaten by a sandworm, and even a minecart ride. And we all loved Donkey Kong Country, right? The new version just looks like another FPS, which would kind of be suicide when the market’s used to games like
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Half-Life 2 and Bioshock. Of course, 3D Realms is certainly aware of this, which is why I predict Duke Nukem Forever (when ultimately released in 2012) will have the following innovative features:
  • Bitches that the Duke can “smack up” for a nominal online service charge.
  • Downloadable packs of Duke catchphrases, grimly satirizing all the most relevant pop culture movements like The Weakest Link and fat Al Roker.
  • A gun that fires bullets so fast that they actually travel back in time and kill your enemy’s mother before she can conceive him, erasing him from existence. Of course to you it will just look like you shot him.
  • Absolutely no rip-offs of cult horror films from the 1990’s.
  • Finally, I leave you with this video, in which the Duke achieves his highest form of existence as a perpetrator of criminal harassment and impetus towards nervous breakdown. Skip to 4:30 if you just want to see the part where a human being crumples under the tremendous weight of Duke’s balls of steel.
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