You know what I think the problem is? You didn't take this note seriously. I don't entirely blame you; I hate these little passive-aggressive notes left in common areas too. "What a priggish a*****e!" I bet you probably said when you read it. "I hate him and his wretched, shirtless frame!"
Well guess what? This isn't a passive-aggressive note anymore! This is, straight up, an active-aggressive note! If my shirt isn't returned to me immediately, I will do horrible things to you and your beloved possessions. This is going to be in the newspapers. "Holy s**t!" the townspeople will exclaim when they read about what I've done. "What is wrong with the world?" they'll add.
But you'll know what's wrong. My shirt is missing.
In conclusion, return my god damned shirt.
You have now had three weeks to read this note and return my shirt. Given your previously acknowledged levels of non-Diddyness, I think we can also agree that you have had ample opportunity to see this note. In fact, I know you've seen it. And laughed at it. Like this is all some kind of joke.
How do I know this? You see that hamper full of dryer sheets and lint balls in the corner? That was me, every day, for the last week. I saw all of you from my linty little laundry blind, reading and ignoring and laughing at me.
Not so funny anymore, is it?