Over the past month, a scourge of feral clowns has spread across North America. Even innocent, maybe-hugs-bunnies-too-hard Canada is not immune, with schools being alerted by law enforcement that clowns are threatening to show up and do harm at any moment.
People see clowns on street corners. They stand near forests and lure children with the promise of candy or balloons or whatever the hell a clown might have in its onesie that's distracting enough to commit full-on murder. Everyone is terrified. Terrified of clowns. So thank you, clown plague. Thank you, Clown Hierarchy or Clown Parliament or Clown King. You've actually done us a solid. No, seriously.
You see, because of this creepy clown epidemic, McDonald's has decided to pull back public appearances of Ronald McDonald, effectively benching their 50-year mascot. For real, we can't thank this new rash of creepy clowns enough.
Listen, McDonald's: No one has liked or even been somewhat amused by clowns in at least 40 years. And look at how you introduced Ronald to the world:
Jesus Christ! It's like fast food trash and a serial killer merged in a back alley and decided to have a birthday party for six-year-old Tommy How-Much-Blood-You-Got-In-There? Of course, this design needed refining, so eventually we got this:
Gee, I don't know, why are kids afraid of clowns? A grown man hiding his identity behind makeup and an "I just ate your parents" grin that's usually reserved for the middle-school janitor your mom made you swear you'd never spend any time alone with?
Every one of these photos would fit into a police scrapbook detailing the last time a missing person was seen in public. Did any of the people in this photo realize a clown was there, or did it only show up in the negative before a pulpy meat-maw opened in the center of the store and swallowed them whole, leaving town officials to wonder why the new McDonald's was abandoned mysteriously in the night?
Kids have been off clowns since before color TV was a thing, and most today don't even know there was a time when color TV wasn't a thing. You know why Krinkles cereal doesn't exist anymore? Because of s**t like this:
No, seriously, I don't think you quite understand. Here, let me be a bit more specific than that video:
Why are his eyes so wide? It's like he's watching us shower while he eats his honey and sugar until he crinkles, and no one likes that. Face the facts: Clowns have a bad history. Recognize this character?
Warner Bros. Television
Or how about this fellow?
It's not like it's a huge mystery why clowns are generally disliked. Well, to everyone except McDonald's. While it's admirable that McDonald's held on so long to the idea that maybe kids would warm up to nightmare fuel, it's time to face facts that nothing old Ronald does makes anyone feel good. The Ronald McDonald House and all that charity work is just rubbing salt in a wound. The last thing a kid with cancer wants is to try to decide what's worse -- dying a horrible death or trying not to scream in terror while Ronald tries to make them laugh. It took a worldwide flesh-and-blood meme to show them how horribly wrong they were to not shitcan this monstrosity of a mascot 40 years ago.
McDonald's, we're begging you: Kill Ronald McDonald. Permanently. Don't just put him on the shelf until this creepy clown meme dies down. If you really need a mascot to sell food that we already want, replace him with that lovable amorphous bruised scrotum, Grimace. He smiles, he looks nonthreatening, people like him. Hell, we'd be willing to settle for Mac Tonight at this point.
There's no nationwide fear epidemic based around moon men or Grimaces. Only clowns. Only clowns (which, keep in mind, haven't even really done anything -- it's all rumors and internet BS) have gotten real people in the real world so scared that they've pulled their children from schools and called the cops. I dare you to find another mascot that could provoke such a reaction, and then double dare you to justify its continued existence if that's how people react to it. It's like having an actual rabid animal as a mascot.
Creepy Meme Clowns, you've done good work. You've proven your mettle and shown how terrifying you can be. We will never forget this. Now return to your ancient slumber and let us get on with our lives, confident in the knowledge mankind has learned its lesson and we will never toy with pancake makeup and floppy shoes again.
Learn how to eat like a boss in 6 Horrifying Fast Food 'Hacks' (Tested) and find out what's really going on behind that creepy smile in I Am A Clown: 5 Truths You'll Wish I Didn't Tell You.
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Movies are never more unrealistic than when they're showing us exactly what a dollar can buy.