EDITOR'S NOTE: Hey guys. Jack O'Brien, Cracked's Editor-in-Chief here, writing to you in italics, which I'm pretty sure Michael is unable to read for some reason. To clarify, Michael isn't leaving for the Onion. Only Cracked's industrial-strength holding cells are fit for his containment. Please just humor him so he'll stop eating asparagus and pissing on my stuff.
Hey everyone. Michael here. I figured it's been long enough since I posted a column that most of the Cracked bigwigs wouldn't be paying attention.
To be frank, from the inside, this site is looking more and more like a sinking ship. Captain making his final dick joke to a tearful crew, dutiful Cracked staffers farting in unison as the water envelops them, the whole bit. I give it 10, 11 decades, tops, and I'm getting while the getting's good (and before Jack realizes how many of his effects I've covered in my trademark "secret scent"*).
Onion readers, please forward this sample video on to their editorial board, or possibly the Conan staff dudes or the cats that make Daily Show episodes and air them daily. I couldn't let anyone on staff know, seeing as how I won't be taking any of them with me and I hope they all rot in the mire they've created, so I only had my phone to shoot on. Hope that's cool. Onion guys, give me money!
If you need to find me, Jack knows my phone number. Follow the scent trail I left at the door to your offices before the security guy booted me.
*Available for purchase in the lobby.
Plenty of everyday things have weird connections to the Nazis.
Sometimes the silliest goofballs get away with the vilest things.
The thing about plot twists is that they almost never make sense on repeat viewing.
The coolest thing about being famous is that you get access to other famous people just as interesting as you.