Yes, humans are cruel. And stupid. And smelly. Right, Ox?
I laugh and point at Ox. He's so smelly. He laughs back.
But we have so much potential! Our curiosity, for example. We're constantly discovering and inventing new things. Turning nature to our own design. Look at all the great things wrought by the hand of man! After all, isn't it Ayn Rand who said ...
Almost never a good idea to bring up Ayn Rand during a wedding speech. Almost.
... OK, fine. FINE. Lets go back to the ducks. We never fucked up ducks again, did we, Mike? We learned something that day. We are better for it -- better people for committing those misdeeds. I think that's what really concerns you: Humanity's capacity for improvement.
Mike shakes his head and gives a big thumbs down. Improvement isn't a good thing where he's from.
OK. Um. Hmm. Well, how's this: We never rest. We're always looking for a way forward. We'll never give up, even when we face overwhelming odds.
Mike gives me another thumbs down. "I hate that about you," he mouths.
Oh wow, look at Mr. Negative. Good luck, Karen!
Nervous laughter from the audience. Mike begins glowing brighter. We're running out of time.
I start counting on my hands
Curiosity. Learning. Persistence. What am I missing?
Someone in the room shouts "Love!"
Of course! How could I forget!
Love! That's right! Humans can love each other! Even despite all of our flaws. Mike, look at how much Karen still cares for you.
We all look. But love is not the main emotion on Karen's face at the moment.
Or maybe not. Hmm. But we're close, folks, I feel it. Love is the answer! I wonder ...
Loud honking from the back of the reception hall. We all turn to see several ducks enter the room.
God, no! Mike! It's the ducks we violated so unspeakably, so many years ago, back for revenge! Or is it their children? How long do ducks live?
It is probably their children. The children of the ducks we did such unspeakable things to charge at the head table, intent on violence and mayhem.
I bravely leap from the podium and wrestle the ducks, getting my clothes ripped in several strategic places. It soon becomes evident that these are hired ducks, and that this is all staged.
Also probably not a coincidence that it's occurring in front of the bridesmaids.
No! You will not ruin my friend's special day!
With a spectacular suplex, I finally defeat the leader of the ducks. I return to the podium, sweaty and shirtless.
There is love in this room today. The love between me and you, Mike. The genuine love one friend can have for another. And isn't that the most important love of all?
Mike stops glowing, his eyes starting to water. Humanity is saved! Meanwhile, Karen is just steaming.
I nod at Karen.
I bow to uproarious applause and honking
Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist, has never been invited to speak at a wedding, and now never will. As the author of the amazing novels Freeze/Thaw and Severance, he thinks you should definitely go buy both of those now. Join him on Facebook or Twitter.
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