But danger doesn't just come from within our borders. The threat of foreign terror on American soil has never been greater. Evil countries, like Sultania and Yomar and Palestakistan, are aware that our country has never been weaker. The Obama administration weakened our military, opened our borders, and personally created Twitter accounts for any member of ISIS who asked nicely. As a drinking container full of stomach contents, I'm sorely afraid of what could happen at any moment.
Who knows? Maybe all those Syrian refugees, who keep inner-tubing over the Atlantic Ocean directly into our backyards, will force our kids to start listening to Lady Gaga. Or worse, they'll decide, "We're not learning English, since English is the language of freedom and also cups of vomit that were given the ability to speak and think by a senile old witch who got lost. We want everyone to speak Syrian now." Is that the country you want to live in? [every gun in the audience grows a mouth and says, "NO!"] That's what I thought. Donald Trump will personally pop every inner tube of every Syrian refugee who tries to go tubing down our country's great rivers. That is a pleasure that should only be reserved for real Americans, who love to get sunburned and dangerously dehydrated during glorious summer days like this one. That's the America I want to live in.
On the other hand, Hillary has brunch with the masterminds of the Benghazi attack every single morning. Every morning. And they always order waffles for the table, because no one ever wants all that waffle for brunch, but that way you can still have some waffle. I should know this, because my cousin, a wet rag soaked in champagne puke, works at the restaurant where they go. It's a gay bakery that won't hire Christians. It makes me sick, and hey -- I'm already sick! I'm puke!
[lots of applause]
For years, good citizens like you and I (a plastic travel mug full of vomit that was zapped by the magical powers of a confused sorceress, who walked into the wrong apartment on accident because she's very old) have been told that we're wrong. That the only way to be good in this country is to sit back. To stop working. Get gay. Eat heroin. Well, I don't know about you, but I'm tired of weakness being exalted as a virtue. I'm tired of seeing laziness and deviance being encouraged and even taught in our classrooms. I'm tired of people telling our children they can't graduate from high school unless they switch genders. Did you know that 85 percent of American kids between the ages of 10 and 18 have never had a teacher encourage them to punch an animal to death? That's a vital experience every child should have. We're raising weak kids. Well, not in Trump's America. In Trump's America, the rainbow will be replaced with a very nice gold-and-black marble column. It'll be absolutely wonderful. You'll pray for rain! As a cup of vomit with the capacity for speech and thought, I cannot wait for the first Trump rainbow to appear. Also, gay people will not be allowed to eat cake. Let them eat something else! [applause, the sounds of guns being fired into cakes]
With Donald Trump in the White House, you and I can finally rest easy. He's a shrewd businessman, he's tough as nails, and he raised three fantastic children and two hidden ones and also probably lots of other secret ones. Isn't that the kind of person we want leading our country? I can tell you, from seeing him on the golf course, this is not a man who likes to lose! [laughter, the guns also laugh] Heh-heh. And more than that, he's not good at losing. He's never lost before in his life, and he's not about to start losing now. In fact, he's going to win the greatest fight of all. And I'm not just talking about the race for the presidency, which he will also win -- according to me, a sentient cup of watery burger chunks. I'm talking about the fight for this country. He is going to make America great again. But more than that, he is going to America America America America. And there's no way a witch like Hillary, or the witch who gave me the gift-curse of self-awareness, is gonna stop him!
In conclusion, thank you, and God Bless Amer-- [gets kicked over, spills all over everywhere, is disgusting]
[huge, huge applause, triumphant gunshots]
We love talking Trump here at Cracked. Be sure to check out 5 Ways Donald Trump Perfectly Mirrors Hitler's Rise To Power and 10 Stories About Donald Trump You Won't Believe Are True and get your fill of The Donald.
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