And that's how I should feel as an American -- safe in the knowledge that I can stand my ground if necessary. That's why I'm voting for Donald Trump, a close personal friend of mine and the right man for the job. I'm thrilled to see this many people so fired up about electing this man to the highest office in our country. But my chunks turn just thinking about how many people out there are considering voting for the Democratic candidate. [much booing, angry gunshots] Please, please. [one hurt gunshot]
Hillary would take steps to remove firearms from law-abiding citizens like yourselves, and put them into the hands of violent criminals. We all recall how Harambe, the gorilla king, was brutally gunned down by a pot-smoking welfare queen at point-blank range while a crowd of gay women getting state-sponsored abortions cheered her on. Or something, I can't really read. I'm a cup of puke. But no American zoo animal should be without a legitimate means of self-defense against dangerous people; people who are even slightly different from us. You can be sure that a vote for Trump is a vote for gorillas having the right to fire back.
But danger doesn't just come from within our borders. The threat of foreign terror on American soil has never been greater. Evil countries, like Sultania and Yomar and Palestakistan, are aware that our country has never been weaker. The Obama administration weakened our military, opened our borders, and personally created Twitter accounts for any member of ISIS who asked nicely. As a drinking container full of stomach contents, I'm sorely afraid of what could happen at any moment.
Who knows? Maybe all those Syrian refugees, who keep inner-tubing over the Atlantic Ocean directly into our backyards, will force our kids to start listening to Lady Gaga. Or worse, they'll decide, "We're not learning English, since English is the language of freedom and also cups of vomit that were given the ability to speak and think by a senile old witch who got lost. We want everyone to speak Syrian now." Is that the country you want to live in? [every gun in the audience grows a mouth and says, "NO!"] That's what I thought. Donald Trump will personally pop every inner tube of every Syrian refugee who tries to go tubing down our country's great rivers. That is a pleasure that should only be reserved for real Americans, who love to get sunburned and dangerously dehydrated during glorious summer days like this one. That's the America I want to live in.