This didn't work well at all. Because of her job and all the candies she has on her person at all times, Rachel Ray's hands are incredibly sticky, as is everything she owns. After removing my roller blades, waiting several weeks, I disguised myself as a trustworthy member of society ...
"That's right, I am a doctor. Doctor ...... Pepper. ....... Dammit Bucholz.
... and then followed Ms. Ray at a distance for several hours. Unfortunately, the entire time her phone was stuck to her neck, and my up-close magic skills simply weren't proficient enough, nor the solvents I routinely carry powerful enough to separate the phone from her.
With an Axe
A simple steel-headed fire axe is capable of hacking into many things, like the side door of the AT&T data center off 4th and Elm, as well as the objections of the wan folk who dwell within, and even the case of the servers which house the hard drive containing your target's voicemail messages. This is hacking in its most prototypical sense, and will make you feel like a bigger person, and also a bit, ironically enough, like a dwarf.
"Dwarf dwarf dwarf dwarf. Dwarf dwarf dwarf. Axe!"
Things went really according to plan here, almost suspiciously so. It turned out that that's pretty ordinary, because a man with an axe and a plan is a hell of a force in today's society where so few wear armor. But the plan kind of petered out after the hard drives were sundered, and while deciding what to do next, the police showed up, angry. Conventional police tactics tend to overwhelm a man with an axe in a frontal attack, so I made a brave retreat. But, after a series of successful hacks through bushes, a chain link fence and a Wal-Mart, I was apprehended. Fortunately for me, they didn't find the second, auxiliary axe taped to my inner thigh, and while they were busy dealing with the small riot that had broken out in the aftermath of my hacking, I was able to hack my way out of my cuffs and the police car.
Be sure to tune in to Bucholz's column next week: How to Hack Your Way Across Three States, a Mexican Border Town, and Into a Whole New Life. (Alternate Title: Identity Theft: How to Hack Your Way to a New Face)
And check out more from Bucholz in Justin Bieber's Favorite Knife Fighting Techniques and An Interview With James Cameron's Avatar About 'Avatar'.