Sex tapes have become a basic staple of the Internet diet. Shocking as it may seem, literally dozens of celebrities apparently have sex, and now we know about it.
But I was still honestly surprised to read about the upcoming release of a Jimi Hendrix threesome tape. And by Vivid no less, whose stable of fine actors fill out the cast of my personal favorite adult movie of all time, XXX Pirates (the only porn to my knowledge featuring fully CGI skeletons and ghalleons).
I mean, it used to be that barring a major grave robbery, you could kind of count on your post-mortem legacy being secured. Now weâve got Monroe and Hendrix boning on camera, and itâs only a matter of time before sexstorians dig up more compromising footage of our favorite dead.
After all, there seems to be plenty of money in it; Vivid plans on selling the 11-minute clip of a man âclosely resembling Hendrixâ as a forty-dollar DVD. For that kind of money, heâd better break into the solo form All Along The Watchtower at the moment of climax.
And so, as this horrorshow we call the Internet continues to consume more and more of our lives, and allows us all to indulge in the cravings for celebrity depravity we all share, then Iâd at least like to put in my personal requests. Are you listening, people who comb through estate sales looking for old reel-to-reels of celebrities fucking? Here we go.
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5. Celebrity: Claudette Colbert
Why I Want to See it: For my money, Colbert is the most beautiful woman ever put to black and white film. And as the (I presume) grandmother of Stephen Colbert, watching her have sex in high-contrast spectrovision is probably as close as Iâll ever get to meeting him. And thatâs good enough for me.
Favorite Imagined Highlight: The guest appearance from Palm Beach Storyâs âweenie king,â now 108 years old and hung like a kielbasa thatâs been left out in the sun.
4. Celebrity: JFK
Why I Want to See it: Basically I just want to see a Presidentâs weiner, and it seems like JFKâs the most likely candidate (unless Obama makes good on his promises to pants Hillary at her inauguration). There was a good chance a Monroe sex tape would have included him anyway, so I think weâre due.
Favorite Imagined Highlight: When John awkwardly tries to reference âthe Cuban missile crisisâ during initial insertion, and finally upsets his bedmates with an unflattering comparison to âthe bay of pigs.â
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3. Celebrity: Lucille Ball
Why I Want to See it: You know itâs going to be feisty, wacky, and interracial, and thereâs not a lot more you could ask for in a sex tape that doesnât involve things Iâm not willing to discuss with you.
Favorite Imagined Highlight: When Lucy reenacts her famous chocolate factory routine by stuffing dildo after dildo into every possible orifice while they come relentlessly down a conveyor belt Desi built just for that purpose.
2. Celebrity: Groucho Marx
Why I Want to See it: Iâm a huge Groucho fan, and everything Iâve learned about the man leads me to believe that his sex would either be riddled with hilarious one-liners or silent, seething, and smothered in self-loathing. Either way, Iâll buy a ticket just to watch his shoe polish mustache end up all over a ladyâs nethers.
Favorite Imagined Highlight: When Harpo and Chico burst in to explain that there was a mixup with the condoms, and Harpo starts honking wildly as Groucho mugs to the camera and says âgood thing I never use any.â
1. Celebrity: Sacajawea
Why I Want to See it: Because it would be the most beautiful, elegant, and dignified sex tape ever recorded. Also, the historical implications of its existence would be staggering.
Favorite Imagined Highlight: When the noble Indian woman directs Lewis and Clark to the exact location of the clitoris.
Addendum: The Monroe sex tape just got debunked, and the Hendrix one is highly dubious, as I mentioned. Hey, if we're already faking them, all the more reason to fulfill the requests on my list. Get on it, Hollywood!
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael imagines the genitals of dead people as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!