The burn is so delicious!
We agree to go to this Evening of Murder
thing and Fortey tells Peter Weller heÂs going to murder him good for making RoboCop 3
so godawful. Mr. Weller tells him that he wasnÂt even in RoboCop 3
and Fortey tells him his mom was, then he literally laughed for the entire rest of the drive.Â We're talking at least 15 minutes.
By the time we arrived, the bottle of Scope was gone and he started hitting the Pabst that I brought. I brought that Pabst for everyone! Laughing boy drank it all except one that Peter Weller took.
The burn is less delicious!
He went to the bathroom for about and hour, I guess, and when he came back, just before Gladstone arrived with his goddamn iPhone and pretend friends, Ian came out of the can and wanted to drive to Taco Bell but I told him I didnÂt have the keys. Peter Weller didnÂt have the keys and Ian said he didnÂt have the keys, so then he called me a Âcock juggling turd burglar,Â muttered something about Andy Dick and stumbled out of the room after making Swaim cry. Fucked if I know why, but when doesnÂt Swaim cry?
By the time we got around to the dinner he was just sitting alone in a corner with a pack of uncooked Ramen noodles talking to himself. After dinner is when I noticed he was missing and then Brockway found the body in the library. If you ask me, Brockway
is a great guy who didnÂt kill Ian.
The Night According to Robert Brockway
Did anyone else notice Scarlett Johansson at this party? SheÂs on the guest list but I didnÂt see her anywhere. She's the only reason I even showed up, I hate these people.Â I wore my skinny jeans, for fucksÂs sake. Skinny jeans. They make my junk look enormous. And sheÂs not even here? God, no one tells me anything. IÂm a fucking editor!
Listen, I showed up just as dinner was starting. Ian was drunk and eating Ramen noodles but so what? I literally see him do that in the office at least three times a week. At first we tried to stop it because, you know, itÂs unprofessional, but when we saw the quality of shit he writes when heÂs sober we just let it slide. I mean seriously, he did this
sober. We canÂt have that.
So Swaim was trying to sell me on a new concept for a video where heÂs this French guy whoÂs not really French who gets trained to do the splits by a Japanese guy, and then he ends up in China fighting in a tournament and honestly, it was pretty clearly the plot of
from the get go except the twist was heÂd include funny YouTube clips.
I touched his weiner! NOOOOOOO!
Across the table from me, the guy who played RoboCop is eating desserts. Like he just skipped the actual meal and started in on a whole pie and a can of Pabst, which I donÂt even know where he got, because I didnÂt see any Pabst around here.
So Robocop is just staring at me while he eats the pie and itÂs like heÂs challenging me. Have you ever seen a guy trying to pick up a girl he knows you like? And he gives you that look? That look that says, ÂHey buddy, IÂm going to put a finger in her butt later tonight.Â ThatÂs the look RoboCop had on his face and I didnÂt like it one bit.
I had to leave to get some air because, ask anyone, if you have to listen to Swaim for more than 10 minutes it takes a good year off your life anyway. That and the pie thing, plus my skinny jean issue, really made me regret showing up at all. So I went out on the patio out back to stroke my splendid beard, smoke a Cohiba and reassess my place in life.
By the time I went back in IÂd planned on just hopping on the computer in the library and looking up some pictures of topless chicks with guns. Instead I find Fortey sprawled out on the floor with a bloody chunk out of his head and a candlestick on the floor next to him. I admit that I laughed, just for a second, because IÂve never seen a Clue murder in real life. But it was just for a second.
The Night According to Michael Swaim
I got Cranium for my birthday literally a month ago and have been just dying for a chance to play. Like, my God. ItÂs probably the greatest party game I have ever played and I was so excited to play with Danny and Robby and that Jewish fellow who used to work here, I forget his name. And oh my God, Mr. Peter Weller, star of