RIP you beautiful bastard.
Ian was arguing with Dan about who had the keys to the car. Apparently theyÂd carpooled together to get here with Peter Weller and Peter insisted one of them had the keys. Ian was belligerent as usual, claiming Dan was as useless as tits on Andy Rooney. No one even knew what that meant, but he said it with a lot of hate.
Swaim tried to cool things down by suggesting we all play Cranium. Ian told him Cranium was a baby game for loser babies who suck at life. Secretly I agreed but as Ian stormed out of the room I could see the hurt expression on SwaimÂs little face and I knew heÂd never ask us to play Cranium again.
After that I had to get back to Facebook so I could approve more people in my fan club. I have so many fans, IÂm really loved. I really am. I mean sure, IÂve never met these people and I may sleep alone on a cot but hey, sure beats being murdered, right? Anyway yeah, I donÂt remember seeing Ian again that night.
The Night According to Dan O'Brien
If thereÂs one thing I know, itÂs talent and Ian Fortey had less talent in his whole body than my shit has in its shit. Like if my shit could shit, the shit shit, or shit squared or whatever, would be able to excel at all things Ian Fortey struggled with. And brother, thatÂs a lot of things.
Yeah, we came to the party together, but I didnÂt want to. IÂm a senior writer at Cracked, do you know what that means? I have my intern do all my work and sign my name to it. ItÂs supposed to be in my contract that I donÂt do anything I donÂt want to.
I was trying to pick up chicks with Peter Weller--itÂs what I do on weekends--and out of nowhere Fortey shows up with a half bottle of Scope. IÂm going to be honest, I donÂt even think Scope is made with alcohol.
The burn is so delicious!
We agree to go to this Evening of Murder
thing and Fortey tells Peter Weller heÂs going to murder him good for making RoboCop 3
so godawful. Mr. Weller tells him that he wasnÂt even in RoboCop 3
and Fortey tells him his mom was, then he literally laughed for the entire rest of the drive.Â We're talking at least 15 minutes.
By the time we arrived, the bottle of Scope was gone and he started hitting the Pabst that I brought. I brought that Pabst for everyone! Laughing boy drank it all except one that Peter Weller took.
The burn is less delicious!
He went to the bathroom for about and hour, I guess, and when he came back, just before Gladstone arrived with his goddamn iPhone and pretend friends, Ian came out of the can and wanted to drive to Taco Bell but I told him I didnÂt have the keys. Peter Weller didnÂt have the keys and Ian said he didnÂt have the keys, so then he called me a Âcock juggling turd burglar,Â muttered something about Andy Dick and stumbled out of the room after making Swaim cry. Fucked if I know why, but when doesnÂt Swaim cry?
By the time we got around to the dinner he was just sitting alone in a corner with a pack of uncooked Ramen noodles talking to himself. After dinner is when I noticed he was missing and then Brockway found the body in the library. If you ask me, Brockway