Barack Obama Is The True Supervillain Of The 2016 Election
What, did you really think only candidates and nominees are subject to election-related conspiracy dipshittery? Psych, fuckers! While we were all busy ogling the antics of the Circus of Future Presidents, the current one has been weaving shadowy plots behind a carefully maintained facade of joviality and noodle breaks with Anthony Bourdain.
Quoth the conspiracy theorist: Who really stands to gain in an election in which one main nominee is a character from a low-budget Syfy sequel to Horrible Bosses and the other can't even keep her emails straight? Late-night talk show hosts thirsty for cheap comedy? Nope! Jimmy Fallon already had his chance, and he barely ruffled The Donald's feathers. It's obviously the sitting president. Why? To score a third term for himself with ... uh, shenanigans? Most conspiracy folks kind of drop the ball at this point, and are content to throw "We just know he's up to something, gosh darnit!"-style rhetoric around. Maybe he's planning a straight-up coup. Maybe he'll go rogue and modify the constitution to allow himself a cozy third term (and likely more). Or maybe he'll just barricade himself in the Oval Office with a Super Soaker when it's time to turn the White House over to his successor.
Via NBC News
That last one being the only one he could probably get away with, and the only one he's likely to actually try.
Not that it matters just how Obama is supposedly going to screw the country. The real meat in this theory is how skillfully it ties the scandals of the main characters of the last couple of elections together. Remember the whole Obama birth certificate debacle? The one that Trump seemed to almost exclusively tweet about before his campaign trail? According to the "Our next president will be Barack Obama" camp, the reason Trump never got his mitts on the "real" birth certificate (i.e. the one that conclusively proves that Obama is Kenyan) is that Hillary has it, and the only reason she's not been impeached by now is that she's blackmailing Barack with that. So now Obama's out to destroy her, throw her in prison over Benghazi or some shit, brush off Trump (who probably was his agent too, because why the fuck not?), and turn America into a dictatorship as collateral.
Elizabeth Cromwell/Wikimedia Commons
"Sure, I had to fight for years to introduce some basic healthcare, but crushing America under my iron fist shouldn't take me more than a week."
Man, I wonder how long it'll take for all the other conspiracies on this list to fuse together and join this particular ball of crazy into one ur-theory about how all our top politicians are actually Hitler clones or some shit. I give it two weeks.
Pauli Poisuo is a Cracked weekly columnist and firmly believes that all elections are rigged by Teddy Roosevelt's immortal mustache. Here he is on Facebook and Twitter.
Read how the Hanging Gardens Of Babylon might never have existed in 6 Famous Things From History That Didn't Actually Exist, and read about the Soviet spy in congress in 5 Conspiracy Theories You Won't Believe (Really Happened).
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