4

Donald Trump Basically Runs On Conspiracy Theories

Via Wikipedia

Look, we all know that America's most divisive former reality show host is going to make an appearance here, so let's get him out of the way, shall we? After all, conspiracy theories are very much Donald Trump's meat and mead -- he's actually been happily sprouting out some of the ones you can find on this very list, like an anthropomorphic Cheeto staining everyone's teeny weeny sausage fingers with fear dust.

In many ways, Trump's campaign seems closer to the most terrifyingly elaborate practical joke in history than an actual political platform. As such, it's no surprise that The Donald is also a target of a fair few conspiracy theories. Depending on who you ask, Trump might not even want the presidency; he just wants to be able to say that he totally could've run the White House, and when the opportunity presents itself, will drop faster than the proverbial hat. Only he'll drop out of the presidential race instead of just generally dropping. A hat could never do that.

Then there's the one where his very candidacy is a false flag operation meant to ensure Hillary's victory and disgrace the GOP in the process. We've already mentioned Trump's nigh-superhuman tendency to bail Clinton out of her gaffes by saying something much stupider, and how the theory about him being a secret shill for her makes a strange kind of sense. Conspiracy theorists argue this is all according to the diabolical plans of one Bill Clinton, who allegedly masterminded the whole thing.

Via The Ring of Fire Network
I can't imagine why the rumors of a Clinton-Trump connection ever started.

3

Hillary Clinton Uses Body Doubles To Mess With Everyone

Via Wikipedia

2

Bernie Sanders Is Out to Destroy America as We Know It

Via Wikipedia

When you hear the words "Bernie Sanders" and "conspiracy" together, you'll most likely think of the ongoing accusations that his opponents (read: Clinton) undermined his campaign from within. Helpfully, this also doubles as your cue to hastily retreat back to quietly browsing internet porn, lest the remnants of the Bernie Bro army track you down and bombard you with Twitter rhetoric. But did you know that Sanders' campaign itself was a conspiracy? One to drag you specifically down to the dark ages of whatever the hell is going on in the unimportant parts of the world that aren't America?

The crazy people do!

According to them, Bernie Sanders might seem like an old career politician who focuses on basic human rights a bit more than is fashionable in politics. But don't be fooled! In reality, his campaign was a brazen plot to bring the country under the influence of dangerous forces. But who exactly is he in cahoots with? Why, the satanists, of course! Or the Freemasons. Or maybe it's the communists, because in some peoples' minds, the 1950s never ended. Maybe all three have joined forces to feast on America's entrails, essentially making Sanders a fierce society-destroying Cerberus who constantly complains about healthcare. Oh hell, son! Communist Freemason devilry! The Cold War didn't have shit on this.

geralt/Pixabay
"The devil is red, communists are red, and we're pretty sure we saw Sanders wear a red tie once. The evidence is right there, sheeple!"

What I love about the "Bernie was in league with [insert enemy of America here]" stories is their purity as conspiracy theories. They take bits and pieces of news stories actually revolving around Sanders -- his comparatively radical youth, (untrue) atheism allegations, a popular "Satanists for Bernie 2016" Facebook meme -- and weave them into a basket that's large enough to hold all their thought-turds. What I like less is that it's pretty fucking obvious that these dumbass theories are the result of many people obviously seeing the guy as a far-left candidate, when his political alignment would actually be somewhere around center right in practically any other civilized country. Look at virtually any European (or Canadian) high-powered politician, and they're far closer to Sanders than they are to the average American politician. So congratulations, conspiracy theorists! By your standards, almost every country is fucking led by Satanist-communist-masons. Enjoy that aneurysm.

1

Barack Obama Is The True Supervillain Of The 2016 Election

Via Wikipedia

What, did you really think only candidates and nominees are subject to election-related conspiracy dipshittery? Psych, fuckers! While we were all busy ogling the antics of the Circus of Future Presidents, the current one has been weaving shadowy plots behind a carefully maintained facade of joviality and noodle breaks with Anthony Bourdain.

Quoth the conspiracy theorist: Who really stands to gain in an election in which one main nominee is a character from a low-budget Syfy sequel to Horrible Bosses and the other can't even keep her emails straight? Late-night talk show hosts thirsty for cheap comedy? Nope! Jimmy Fallon already had his chance, and he barely ruffled The Donald's feathers. It's obviously the sitting president. Why? To score a third term for himself with ... uh, shenanigans? Most conspiracy folks kind of drop the ball at this point, and are content to throw "We just know he's up to something, gosh darnit!"-style rhetoric around. Maybe he's planning a straight-up coup. Maybe he'll go rogue and modify the constitution to allow himself a cozy third term (and likely more). Or maybe he'll just barricade himself in the Oval Office with a Super Soaker when it's time to turn the White House over to his successor.

Via NBC News
That last one being the only one he could probably get away with, and the only one he's likely to actually try.

Not that it matters just how Obama is supposedly going to screw the country. The real meat in this theory is how skillfully it ties the scandals of the main characters of the last couple of elections together. Remember the whole Obama birth certificate debacle? The one that Trump seemed to almost exclusively tweet about before his campaign trail? According to the "Our next president will be Barack Obama" camp, the reason Trump never got his mitts on the "real" birth certificate (i.e. the one that conclusively proves that Obama is Kenyan) is that Hillary has it, and the only reason she's not been impeached by now is that she's blackmailing Barack with that. So now Obama's out to destroy her, throw her in prison over Benghazi or some shit, brush off Trump (who probably was his agent too, because why the fuck not?), and turn America into a dictatorship as collateral.

Elizabeth Cromwell/Wikimedia Commons
"Sure, I had to fight for years to introduce some basic healthcare, but crushing America under my iron fist shouldn't take me more than a week."

Man, I wonder how long it'll take for all the other conspiracies on this list to fuse together and join this particular ball of crazy into one ur-theory about how all our top politicians are actually Hitler clones or some shit. I give it two weeks.

Pauli Poisuo is a Cracked weekly columnist and firmly believes that all elections are rigged by Teddy Roosevelt's immortal mustache. Here he is on Facebook and Twitter.

Read how the Hanging Gardens Of Babylon might never have existed in 6 Famous Things From History That Didn't Actually Exist, and read about the Soviet spy in congress in 5 Conspiracy Theories You Won't Believe (Really Happened).

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