The Drunk Idiot's Guide to Twitter

"Why?" page on Twitter.com, "basic updates are meaningful to family members, friends, or colleagues—especially when they’re timely." Let's try to wrap our heads around this baffling statement one part at a time, shall we? Family I don't know about you guys, but I spend a good chunk of my time HIDING what I do from my family. Considering that, why would I want to give them a web-based tracking collar that will alert them to my every move? Do I really want them to know how drunk I am (very), what I'm drinking (Evan Williams), and where I'm drinking it (alone under a highway overpass) at any given moment? Besides, attempting to teach my mom how to use Twitter would be like trying to teach a goat how to surf: hilarious, fun to watch, and yet completely pointless and ultimately kind of depressing. Friends If we're friends, chances are you already have a pretty good idea of what I'm doing. My day-to-day life follows a pretty strict routine (go to work, eat dinner, go get drunk under a highway overpass). If you don't know where to find me at any given point in the day, give me a call and maybe I'll tell you. If you don't know me well enough to call me, well, then you probably don't need to know where I am. Colleagues If your colleagues don't know where you are, why in the name of God would you want to make it easier for them to find you?!

I wasn't totally sure where to go from there, to be honest. I'd told my Twitter followers all about my driving, twittering, and public urination - what was left? I thought that would cover it, that my Twitter feed would be inundated with thousands of fans, all curious to know more about the fascinating minutiae of my daily life. But after 24 hours of back-breaking twittering, I could still count my readers on one hand. "Looks like it's time for the gloves to come off," I said, mostly because I was in a liquor store buying a bottle of Evan Williams and the gloves were making it hard to take out my wallet. The guy behind the counter just stared at me silently. Maybe he would've said something if he'd known how hard the internet can be. You know - like "Why are you wearing gloves in the middle of summer?" or "Get the hell out of my store."

They are all nerds. Admittedly, Barack Obama doesn't quite fit the equation, but if you look at the Top 100 Twitter users there is an unmistakable pattern: they are mostly tech-oriented blogger types. I had figured out the target demographic - now all I had to do was use it to my advantage.