I bit my lip and savored the moment, looking around at the empty champagne bottles and cocaine bags that littered my expensive hotel suite. If this book contained the information I thought it did, not only would I change the world and prove all my critics wrong, but Cracked would probably be forced to reimburse me for all these outrageous travel expenses. My heart aching with anticipation, I opened the ancient tome.
Excerpt From The Journal Of Lace Arpuntarr
Dated Aug. 3, 1652
If you are reading this, then our species' doom is not yet certain. But know this: What you think of as your history, your very civilization, is all a lie. It is your cats that are the key to your continued peace and prosperity, and yet they could also spell your doom. I suppose I better back up.
Since the beginning of time, cats have have been the dominant species on this planet. All the great accomplishments of humanity, from Stonehenge, to the Pyramids, to the Roman Colosseum, are really the work of cats. It is only recently that we came to inhabit them. The reason you don't know this will take some explaining, but really, you shouldn't be surprised.
The evidence is all around us.