5

The Joker

4

The Punisher

(From left to right: Dolph Lundgren, Jon Bernthal, Ray Stevenson, Thomas Jane)

Dolph Lundgren lives in a sewer and refuses to wear the trademark skull shirt, which means that he might be denied entry to this murder party. However, he is Dolph Lundgren, who stands roughly nine feet tall, with palms that are as wide as a child's torso. Also, the first time we see him clearly, he's sitting naked at his poop altar, narrating the themes of the movie. There is no convention that can hold this man back.

Lionsgate
Your answer to everyone who says that modern superhero movies are better than old ones.

Tom Jane can take a beating better than any other man on earth. The best part of his film was, as I noted in another column, the time he spent five straight minutes getting thrown through every aspect of an apartment. So if anything, he will survive this encounter. The question is whether he will still have most of his limbs.

Ray Stevenson killed a man by kicking a chair leg into his eye socket. He also punched a guy through the head. An explanation of his strengths and weaknesses is not necessary.

3

The Hulk

(From left to right: Edward Norton, Eric Bana, Lou Ferrigno, Mark Ruffalo)

Lou Ferrigno was the only non-CGI Hulk, and while that sounds hokey today, you have to remember that in the early '80s, Ferrigno looked like something mad scientists would invent to destroy Arnold Schwarzenegger.

NBCUniversal Television Distribution
Great taste in shorts, too.

Eric Bana has those 2003-era special effect expressions and a deep-seated resentment for his father. The other Hulks have gotten to fight strong foes, but all Eric Bana has tussled with is some mutant dogs and his dad ...who was a cloud formation at one point? I don't know whether "beat up my dad, the cloud" raises or lowers your chances. It's not something that we usually encounter.

Edward Norton's Hulk is technically Mark Ruffalo's Hulk. Norton starred in the first MCU Hulk movie, then decided he didn't want to do it anymore, and Marvel was all like "Nothing to see here" while they put Ruffalo in. They're pretty similar, except Ruffalo's Bruce Banner is likable, while Norton radiates a constant aura of Oh-Fuck-That-Guy.

Universal Pictures
Oh, fuck that guy.

2

Superman

(From left to right: Brandon Routh, Christopher Reeve, George Reeves, Henry Cavill, Kirk Alyn)

Kirk Alyn never had to worry about "being a good person in an evil world" or whatever modern Supermen fret about. He simply saved the shit out of stuff. That said, he doesn't have a lot of experience battling anything that isn't a crook with a handgun. That won't count for much in a fight against dudes who can spin the Earth around just by flying near it.

People make fun of Superman for seemingly creating new powers for himself whenever he needs to get out of a jam, and there was no worse perpetrator of that than George Reeves. The laws of physics and chemistry in our reality were changed as soon as Reeves stepped on screen. Sadly, his problems mostly revolved around getting Jimmy Olsen out of the stupid situations that Jimmy Olsen put himself in. So much of the world could've been saved if Jimmy Olsen wasn't so infinitely kidnappable.

Warner Bros. Television Distribution
"Golly gee, Superman. Thanks for saving me from that peanut butter jar I got my hand stuck in. Sucks about the orphanage fire, though."

Out of all of the modern Supermen, only Christopher Reeve really followed the whole "You have to set a good example for mankind" thing. For some reason, "Reveal to them their own capacity for good" easily translates into "Fly around and hit stuff, because you'll look rad while you're doin' it." Christopher Reeve is also the most levelheaded Superman. He thinks about a mountain before he slams headlong into it.

1

Spider-Man

(From left to right: Andrew Garfield, Nicholas Hammond, Tobey Maguire, Tom Holland)

Nicholas Hammond had all of the traditional spider powers, but never really got an arena in which to test them out. They didn't use any of his classic villains in the '70s series, so Spider-Man mostly fought white-collar criminals and dudes who could harness light mind control. If the rest of the Spider-Men were unscrupulous business executives with '70s porno mustaches, this would be a sweep.

Tobey Maguire beat up "Macho Man" Randy Savage, the Green Goblin, Doctor Octopus, the New Goblin, the Sandman, and Venom. He's got the most experience of everyone else on this list, really. However, while most Spider-Men are obsessed with science and creation, Tobey Maguire can't really be bothered with it. He mostly says the equivalent of "Oooh, science!" and then gets his ass handed to him by Doctor Octopus because planning ahead is for nerds.

Columbia Pictures
"I'll shoot some webbing at him! Again!"

Andrew Garfield made up for Tobey Maguire's lack of science-y anything with long scenes of him actually doing science. However, with his grating skateboarding, "Bernie would've won" haircut, and generally un-Peter-Parker attitude, he'd be the most likely target of a three-on-one assault.

Tom Holland seems likable without being Andrew Garfield's science bro. And he's also not the kind of Maguire-dorky that makes you wonder if he came from the same planet as us. However, at this point, he's still lacking the ultimate thing that solidifies a cinematic Spider-Man: a cheesy anthem that's only sort of about the movie. I'd be more behind him if he had his own "Vindicated."

WINNER: TOBEY MAGUIRE

You can tell how hard a Spider-Man has fought by how torn up their costume is by the end of the film. If half of their mask isn't gone, it was just a normal day in East Manhattan. Maguire couldn't leave his apartment without having the shit kicked out of him by every evil genius in the five boroughs, and yet he still lived to fight another day and make halfhearted passes at Kirsten Dunst.

Columbia Pictures

That's a fucking hero.

Daniel has a podcast about Top 40 music and a Twitter.

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