This piece was written by the people who run the Cracked Store to tell you about products that are being sold there.
Do you remember the 1999 Disney Channel movie Smart House? It's the story of a young nerdy boy who wins a "smart home," and then programs said home to be a surrogate wife for his dad in an effort to keep him from getting remarried. Yeah, the premise was shaky at best, and the presumed visual of a grown man, umm ... "having relations" with a vacuum socket isn't pretty. But we bring this up because smart homes might soon become standard fare. And unless you want to get browbeaten by a deranged toaster oven, you're going to need help. Luckily for you, the brilliant minds behind CUJO have the solution.
What's a CUJO?
Besides a dog that would eat your face completely off, CUJO is a fearsome firewall device that aggressively safeguards against cyber attackers. But what makes CUJO more than just a piece of antivirus software is that it is designed for interconnected living. CUJO will monitor everything in your network from your Amazon Echo to your phones and tablets to your smart light bulbs and smart refrigerators. Think of it like the cyber-lock for your smart home and all of the smart devices within. And I just realized how much I love saying the word "smart." Smart, smart, smart, smart, smart.
Great, but why would I need to monitor my light bulbs?
It used to be that hackers targeted PCs and mobile devices to harvest a person's user information. But now, with the rise of home automation and smart devices, everything you can imagine collects data that can be used to hurt someone. The light bulbs, for example, can be hacked to find out when you're likely to be away from home. Your Amazon Echo can be hacked to surveil your private conversations. And if the Penguin could hack the Batmobile in 1992, then you can best believe a modern-day hacker can take control of your twice-refurbished smart car while you're behind the wheel. CUJO, however, would thwart the Penguin instantly -- we're assuming by biting his face completely off.
How does it work?
For being the ultimate protector of your everything, CUJO is actually pretty easy to use. You simply plug the device directly into your wireless router with a standard Ethernet cable. CUJO will then guide you through the setup process on its app, which is so simple that even people who still have TV antennas should be able to follow it. CUJO will then review and encrypt its data before sending statistics on that data (but not the data itself) to the cloud for further analysis. If a threat is detected, you'll get a notification in the app letting you know what was blocked and why.
What's the deal with the App, again?
In addition to keeping tabs on connected devices, the CUJO app allows full control over internet access for those devices. It's a great way to set up parental controls for kids during homework time, or to curb your own PlayStation habit when it starts getting in the way of remembering to eat. Should you want to lift an automated block, CUJO offers a manual override that keeps you in control 24/7. Plus, look how pretty it looks.
All right, how much?
Much like other ever-vigilant security service, such as OnStar or the Terminator, CUJO is always updating to adapt to the latest threats. For this reason, CUJO is subscription-based. Regular pricing includes $99 for the device and a flexible service plan that ranges from $9 a month to a onetime $150 charge for a lifetime subscription. On any other day, you're likely to pay $250 total for the optimal CUJO experience, but purchase CUJO from the Cracked shop, and you'll get it for the special price of $224.99.
Uh, that's pretty much it. Maybe don't try to have relations with your smart home. It's gross and you'll end up as the basis for a Disney Channel Movie. Plus, Cujo has special senses for that sort of thing, and will burst out of a closet and eat your face completely off.
Or go totally white hat with How To Hack For The Good Guys With The Cracked Store. We believe in you.
Everybody loves a good old-fashioned meltdown.
Many of today's celebrities have some real surprises in their family trees.
Our bodies are changing.
Fictional love triangles are always a rigged game.