... to clad you in top-quality American Apparel shirts at a stunningly low price, just in time for the homecoming dance. Don't freak out. Enjoy it. And thank us after you're popular.
You can also thank us after you've faced the first-day-of-school shirt quandary and breezed through it because you know Teddy Roosevelt's got your back. And front. And squishy abdominal parts ... point is, you'll have a shirt to wear. You'll cruise straight past your former style dilemmas and go on to accomplish badass feats, just like how TR was too busy riding 100 miles at a time on horseback to worry about fashion conundrums.