For some, cars are a status symbol. For others, cars are simply a method to get from point A to point B. And for Vin Diesel, cars are a projectile weapon. But no matter how or why you use your car, you're going to want to make sure you look good using it.
You had me at Vin Diesel.
You gotta love Vin Diesel. That's why the Cracked Dispensary is pulling out T-shirts perfectly suited for driving around in and getting all fast and furious with. Are you ready? Buckle up. It's T-shirt time. (Imagine a guitar riff played after we said that. It'll sound so much cooler.)
No machine is perfect. Your car, for example, might have a fraying interior or a few dents on the bumper or an open exhaust port which, if hit in just the right way, will lead to an all-encompassing fiery explosion. The important thing to remember is that it's okay. Mistakes happen. You'll be fine as long as you wear this T-shirt and keep an eye out for rebel scum.
Compared to the Silver Sagan's surfboard, your car might as well have been made by Hot Wheels. The Silver Sagan uses his knowledge of the cosmos and his powers to warp from dimension to dimension. Meanwhile, you need three gear changes to get up your driveway. You'll never have as cool a ride as the Silver Sagan, but driving around with this shirt and shouting out astronomy facts at nearby joggers is the closest you'll ever come to "close enough."
If there's one video game character who gets around, it's Mario. Between go-karting and warp-piping, Mario seems to be everywhere at once. Could it be because there are millions of clone Marios just waiting in the wings to take his place once he "loses a life"? Hmm ... that's kind of grim. Maybe it's best not to think about it. Instead, how about you picture this shirt as an extra life for your wardrobe.
Let's hit the road!
Don't start those engines just yet. The Cracked Store has some items for your car that you're really going to want to see. Sadly, no actual cars. I know. We'd like to get our hands on a Batmobile too. We'll talk to accounting.
The fact that the Zus Car Charger juices your phone battery at two times the normal speed should be great enough, but what's won this charger awards is how it acts as a homing device for finding your car where you last left it. No longer will you fight with your significant other in a Six Flags parking lot over whether you left the car in D5 or L7. You'll still fight over losing the parking pass, but come on. It's a car charger, not a therapist.
At first brush, you might assume that the only thing a dashboard camera would be good for is filming the driver in front of you picking boogers during his morning commute. That is, until you get in an accident. Then you're suddenly super glad you had a video recording to show the police and/or insurance company and/or whatever popular car crash compilation YouTube channel you decide to sell the footage to. Accidents aside, it'll also be nice to have because you never know what you'll catch on camera during a 3:30 a.m. taco run.
FIXD is a compact car sensor that diagnoses any car problem short of a broken flux capacitor, and that could probably be resolved with a little Doc Brown tinkering. FIXD will also send you an alert any time you need general maintenance. You can even set FIXD up on multiple cars. (Just in case your time-traveling adventures take you into a sequel or two.)
OK, now let's hit the road. For real this time.
Hey, don't be a wise guy, Bold-Faced Text. We have a way to deal with wise guys around here. (General politeness.) To that end, please scroll up the page and click the link on anything you want to purchase, or click the links here for the Cracked Dispensary and the Cracked Store to browse all of our items. Buckle up. It's still T-shirt time. (Guitar riff as we drive away into the sunset.)
Things could always be much, much worse.
The cops will come swooping in the seconds the credits roll.
You've probably never heard of it.