Welcome to the Cracked Museum of Fine Art (or the CMoFA, as one New York Times blogger refused to call it). So glad you could join us for the tour!
Art tour? Isn't this a post for the Cracked Dispensary?
"Dispensary." Such a crude word. Can one simply dispense passion? Can one merely dispense genius? Did Van Gogh purely dispense oil on canvas as he painted the hands of the peasants!
Dunno? So are art prints on sale or something?
*Sigh* Yes, they're on sale. 15 percent off with free shipping, today only. But that's not the point. This is an exhibition of the most thought-provoking and highbrow artistic creations the world has to offer. Each piece uses such nuance, such subtlety, such ...
Hey, is that Superman with the yelling guy?
No, this isn't "Superman with the yelling guy." What do you think this is, a joke? This is a contemporary portrayal of expressionist painter Edvard Munch's The Scream, which happens to feature Superman as social commentary. Take, for instance, Superman's surly-eyed gaze upon the screaming man. It forces us to ask, "Is the screaming man calling out to Superman for help?" Or, more ominously, "Is Superman the origin of his fear?" Let us for a moment consider Nietzsche, a peer of Munch and the originator of the Ubermensch concept ...
Nah, pretty sure the artist is just making a joke.
Fine art is never a joke. You'll see once we move on.
Here we have Nightwalkers, an ode to Edward Hopper's famous oil painting Nighthawks. This piece, a favorite of the CMoFA (trademark not pending), blends the humble tones of classic Americana with the bold surrealism of bloodthirsty zombies that want to chew your brain fat. You may be wondering "What is the cultural significance of zombies?" and "How can we use that to inform our understanding of the artwork?" Both wonderful questions!
I wasn't wondering any of that.
Please refrain from interrupting the tour. Let's go to the next piece.
Surely, you can appreciate the artistic depth of this take on Vincent Van Gogh's Starry Night. Consider: A forlorn father stares gloomily into the night sky. His greatest legacy, a star of death, hangs above him with untold weight. The swirling brushstrokes of Van Gogh suggest listlessness and chaos. You can almost hear Lord Vader whisper, "Luke, I am your father," the colors streaking around him like tears streaking down a face.
No, it's a pun. "Death Starry Night." It's on the product page.
Will you stop doing that! You know what, fine! Here's the last one.
It's dogs playing poker, but instead of dogs, they're gods. We switched around the "d" and the "g." That's the joke. Kratos is in there. Raiden is in there. Some other guys are in there. It's a bunch of pop-cultural references that serve no higher purpose other than to be amusing. Are you happy? Are you goddamn happy!?
Yeah, it looks cool. So is the "tour" over?
Yes, the tour's over. Here's the gift shop. On sale today is the Martian Notifier Smartwatch. You can use it to track your phone, take pictures, check the weather, set up to five individual or recurring alarms, and get notifications from apps. Normally it goes for $130, but today it's only $30.
As long as it tells time.
Of course it tells time, you simpleton!
You do realize this isn't actually an art museum, right?
And that these prints aren't meant to be analyzed?
Well, anything can be analyzed, and we at Cracked are experts on highbrow, so it's only fitting.
Didn't you once make this?
Before the 20th century, most of the world was a toilet.
Most fans of this show aren't old enough to remember the Reagan era.
If a woman is annoyed at a seemingly innocuous string of words, there's probably a reason for it.
It's hard to end a TV show satisfactorily.
Even the most seemingly innocent habits can do disastrous things to the meat shell your brain pilots.