There's a small problem lurking in the background of all this advice, and I've been struggling to come up with a delicate way of broaching it. Basically, if you're seriously going to spend time holding up two ends of a conversation, if you have night-terrors at the thought that people might speak about you when you're not present, there's a small chance you're completely insane. Here's a little psychological experiment I want you to try. It should illuminate how you'll be able to handle multiple personalities.
Put on a blindfold. Take a deep breath, then slowly reach down your pants and play with yourself a bit. Really get in there. After a minute or so, take off the blindfold and answer the following multiple choice question. This experience felt:
If you answered A or B you are insane. Come on man, it's like 10 in the morning.
You're probably at work.
You just diddled yourself because the Internet told you to.
(The correct answer of course was "D) That's preposterous." Partial credit for "C) I couldn't find a blindfold.")
But don't despair, madmen! Like a white guy with a basketball, a sane person with a sock puppet is capable of using only a fraction of its power. Now that you're through the looking glass, we can finally make the most of your lack of mental balance. Here's some advanced techniques you can try out to really unleash the sock-beast!
- Make big plans to start a band with your sock puppet, and then have a huge falling out.
- Cybersex yourself over Skype; post the results to YouTube.
- Accuse your main persona of being a sock puppet.
- Get furious with your sock puppet, start trying to get them banned from the community.
- Threaten your sock puppet that you'll stop using them to kill them off.
- Trick your sock puppet in to posting their address, mail them an inch thick document of the word BLOOD printed in 8000-point font across 300 pages.
- When the police come -- notified by the Post Office of the sticky 10-pound envelope with the return and mailing addresses pointing at each other with arrows -- calmly tell them that you can explain everything.
- Run to the bathroom and shatter the mirror you've made with the hole cut into it at waist level.
- During trial, try to cut a deal to testify against yourself.
- If that fails (it will) and you do find yourself in prison, just be careful around yourself in the shower. That's traditionally where you get you.
Check out more from Bucholz in How To Train An Army of Animals To Do Your Bidding and Everything I need to know I learned from He-Man.