First Challenge: Image Location
There was a long moment of silence as the interns looked about awkwardly.
“Begin what?” Wheeler ventured.
“The first contest! Cracked interns are frequently asked to find images for our understated yet brilliant columns. So your first challenge is: Find me the craziest photo of Gary Busey in existence. You have five minutes.”
There was a flurry of abs, and the soft bouncing of breasts as Meyers and Wheeler burst into motion. Stowalski just sat down at a computer like the retarded bastard that he was.
Five minutes later, I examined the first results.
“This is rather disappointing, Stowalski. Sure, it’s crazy, but it’s a little obvious, don’t you think? If there’s one value that Cracked embodies, it is the subtle, understated grace of a billion swans making sweet love to heavily sedated ballerinas.”
Stowalski took it pretty hard, just like his mom does every night.
“FROM MY DICK,” I added triumphantly.
It mattered little that I didn’t speak the setup to that joke aloud; I could see he was impressed by my wit from the fleeting terror in his eyes as I swung my hammer around in celebration.
“Excellent work, Wheeler!” I said, attempting to rub her buttocks, which I had just decided was a perfectly acceptable congratulatory gesture, “the dull gleam in the eyes, the unnaturally large smile and the mere hint of fury. This is beautiful work. You truly are a triumph of both breasts and brains!”
I could tell she was interested by the way she slapped me and told me in no uncertain terms that she was not now, nor would she ever be interested from now until the end of time.
“Good job, Meyers! Making out with a monkey accurately illustrates the frightening instability of the notorious Busey. But…perhaps it’s a little overwrought? It speaks of a kind of desperation on your part which could only be eased by 46 minutes of sensual rubbing from your superiors,” I suggested, seductively pantomiming some extremely lewd groping at him.
I could tell he was flattered by the way he started to cry a little.