A breeze whispered through the apartment, filling it with the scent of salt water and romance. Sam didn't know who he was, but recognized the man who pulled him onto his lap: Stephen Baldwin. Like all the brothers, he was handsome with an infectious grin. He rubbed Sam's stomach, licked his face.
"I could just eat you upâ¦"
Suddenly, his fingernails dug into Sam's belly, breaking the skin, as his teeth shredded the flesh of Sam's cheek.
âStowalski, youâ¦you weary me, Stowalski. You make me so very, very tired,â I said, âthis is just too horrible. My nightmares will be rivaled only by the disturbing, unceasing erections that will plague me from this day on. You are truly the King of sons of bitches.â
The Second Round Goes To: Wheeler
Third Challenge: Photoshop Prowess
âNow the final contest! Though our Photoshop skills are legendary, we writers are frequently overcome by the awesome sex-cocaine parties that we all totally have all the time,â I said, gesturing to the cocoa powder I had ingeniously left all over my desk as evidence, âwe donât always have time to Photoshop, so sometimes youâll have to do it for us. For your last challenge: Bring me a Photoshop of famous inventor Nikola Tesla
spliced with a bear!â
As they sprang into motion, I took the opportunity to practice the killing blow by swinging my hammer repeatedly just inches from Stowalskiâs face. I wondered if he got the hint.
âMasterful, Wheeler! The cuteness offsets the deadly danger inherent to the Tesla Bear. It sets our hearts aflutter, as it cramps our balls with terror. Truly great,â I went to give her a congratulatory buttock rub, but reconsidered after she punched me half a dozen times in the crotch. Something told me this was just not the right time.
âNot bad, Meyers. But nothing special. While I do appreciate the massive creepiness of the face you chose, itâs just a little bland,â I informed him gently, flipping him off with one hand while pointing to the finger with the other. I wanted to make sure he didnât miss the intricacies of my constructive criticism.
âGod. Damn. It. Stowalski. You useless motherfucker! You screw up every task I give you, and just when I think you canât get any more uselessâ¦you go and do something completely awesome
like this! You thought outside the box, Stowalski! Youâre a rebel which no oppressive box may contain! I cannot, in good conscience, murder you like a feed cattle right here in this office after this,â Stowalski let out a sigh of relief, his stupid bovine nostrils breathing out his stupid breath everywhere. âI may not like you, but I recognize greatness when I see it.â
Final Round: Stowalski
âMeyers, Iâm sorryâ I said, wiping the word âcoyâ off my chest and quickly painting in âbloodrage.â
âIâm really distraught about this decision, and afterward Iâm going to go out and get hammered
to kill the pain. I just wanted to say Iâm sorry once more; I hate to repeat myself, but I really wanted to hammer that point home
. Itâs just that Wheeler really nailed
this contest, and Stowalski murdered you with a hammer
in that final round,â I could tell he appreciated my dilemma by the way he cursed my name and fled for the door.
Sometimes I miss those pearly white teeth, shining like a lighthouse in the fog, guiding me through the dense miasma of agony that is this mundane world. And itâs times like that when I take out the necklace I made from those teeth and rub them, and I think of Meyers.
Read more from Robert at his own website, I Fight Robots
, because you're obviously a serious fan of the written word if you still want 'more reading' after slogging through that epic mess.