Pictured: author Tom Clancy suffering from an acute case of "shit-fingers." I dropped to my belly and army-crawled out of my office and down the hallway. When the coast was clear, I somersaulted into the open elevator, choked out the delivery-man who'd been the only witness and pressed the button for the basement, where I'd been secretly brewing my own beer for the better part of two hours now. They say properly brewed beer can take months to ferment into alcohol, but I had an idea: What if, instead of water, you just used alcohol to start with? Then it was simply a matter of stirring the beer flavoring into the base liquor, right? Also, what better beer flavoring than beer itself? I guess if you want to get technical about it, I had really just mixed two gallons of Everclear with six cases of Pabst, and left it to age for a few hours in an empty fuel barrel that I'd found. As I sauntered down the hall to check on my artisanal craft, I noticed a door I'd never seen before. I kicked it open dramatically (just in case there were any bad guys inside) and prepared to run in slow motion from an explosion, if necessary. And that's when I saw the time machine. *** "Wait," DOB interjected, as we moved to Bucholz's now mysteriously empty table, "there's a time machine in the basement?" "Yeah dude, it's right there in the open. Red door, big white letters that say 'Time Machine' on it." I sopped up the remaining Vicodin sauce and whiskey with a napkin and then ate it. "It says 'Time Machine' on the door?" DOB was skeptical; I could tell by the jerking off motion he made with his hand. If there wasn't a penis in it, it meant he was skeptical. If there was a penis in it, he was either very excited to meet you or under arrest. It depended on the situation.
A hand wank how to: Fig 1. Forward Wank. Fig. 2. Reverse Wank. Repeat. "Yeah, it probably said 'Time Machine.' I don't really know, it was tl;dr." "Did you just 'tl;dr' a fucking sign?" Bucholz had snuck up on me with a makeshift shiv he'd formed from a toothbrush. He'd apparently been preparing to shank me, but now recoiled in disgust. "Yeah, dude. It's like, if they wanted me to read it, they wouldn't have made it out of words, you know? I only read pictures," I answered. He spat on the floor and wandered off to find a more deserving victim, muttering racially charged epithets into his blade. "So anyway," I turned back to DOB and continued, despite already approaching the thousand-word markâ¦ *** I entered the dimly lit Time Machine room and stared in slack-jawed awe at the opulent presence of the technology before me. There were dials within dials, buttons beset by buttons and I'm pretty sure there was even a lever with a smaller lever mounted on it.
"I wonder which one of these activates the science..." Just as I was about to charge into the fray--pressing, pulling, twisting and probably punching just for good measure--a strong hand gripped my shoulder and whirled me around. I was now staring into the face of the grimmestâ¦ face I'd ever... faced. "What you doin' here, boy?" the grizzled scientist asked me. It was clear he'd been lost in his work for weeks, even months, and hadn't seen the light in just as long. "I was just gonna fuck with this machine a bunch is all," I answered earnestly, hoping he would take note of my earnestness long enough for me to think of a lie to tell him. "You any idea what this here gizmo does? You got any clue what bad gonna come outta usin' it without knowin' what you're doin'?" *** "He sounds more like a cowboy than a professor," DOB noted, still insistently making the jerk-off motion. It was clear his arm was becoming cramped, but he gritted his teeth and suffered through. "Are you sure he was a scientist?" "Yeah, of course. He had on a blue jumpsuit, like those scientists that work at NASACAR."