I was pretty close to breaking some new ground on this blog today, Folks. I realized recently that with the exception of a few articles, (maybe 2?), Cracked.com almost never mentions sports unless we're ranking fictional sports teams in order of awesomeness. Generally, we handle slightly, uh...nerdier content, if you will. Movie reviews, internet awards, pornography. Those sorts of things. Well, I was sick of ignoring an important demographic. It was time, I decided, for the Cracked blog to branch out into the territory of sports, and it just so happens that the Celtics and Lakers, after incredibly tense seasons, played an incredibly tense game last night to kick off what is sure to be incredibly tense playoffs. And I was all set to talk about that game. I'd talk about Kobe Bryant, and how no matter what he does and no matter what the records show, he will never be a better player than Michael Jordan even if, at some point, it is revealed that he technically is. I'd discuss that even though I love him like a son, I just might murder Paul Pierce one of these days. I'd explain how a Celtics-Lakers showdown is a symbolic representation of every major socio-political conflict in American History and that if we, as a nation, can learn something from the way Kobe Bryant and Kevin Garnett deeply respect each other, we just might heal this world a little bit. I was going to talk about all that, but then it was reported in this week's issue of Entertainment Weekly that a new comic was coming out which would redefine the relationship between Batman, Superman and Wonder Woman. So I'm gonna go ahead and talk about that instead. The comic in question, "Trinity," is the latest in a series of attempts by DC to be fresh and drastic and edgy. A new issue of Trinity will come out once a week for an entire year. They tried this move a little earlier with 52, which most critics complained had too many characters and too many storylines and not enough focus. Trinity, to its credit, will only focus on three characters but, to its colossal discredit, one of those characters is Wonder Woman. So how will they redefine this relationship? Will Wonder Woman wrap the lasso of truth around herself and instantly proclaim "My powers kind of blow," thereby shocking no one? Will Superman abandon his heroics once he realizes he's an alien and his decision to fight for "the American Way" is strictly based on where he landed on Earth when he was a baby, and therefore totally arbitrary? Are Batman and Wonder Woman fucking? Are Batman and Wonder Woman fucking!?" Well, keep guessing, Mother Folkers, because we won't be getting answers soon. Wanna know what happened in the first issue of this highly-anticipated new series? I'll fucking tell you. Bat, Sups and Woman ate breakfast and talked about a dream they each had. That's what happened. They sat in a little cafÃ© and ate breakfast together and, meanwhile, your friendly neighborhood Dan O'Brien wasted four dollars. Apparently, when not saving the world, DC's Big Three like eating eggs and bickering incessantly. Oh, and did I mention who the main villain is going to be throughout this year-long comic process? The guy so powerful and deadly that his presence warrants the cooperative efforts of two of the greatest superheroes of all time and Wonder Woman? Is it The Joker? Is it Lex Luthor? Is it...whoever Wonder Woman's biggest adversary is, (Zits? Periods?)? No, it's none of those. It's Morgan le Fay from...from the King Arthur legends. Morgan has actually astonishingly shown up in a few comics before, both in the DC and the Marvel universe and readers across the board have responded with a vehement "We don't give a shit about Morgan le Fay." And now we're stuck with her for a year. So, we've got an evocative breakfast scene, a boring obscure villain, what's next? Will Wonder Woman get a cold? Is Superman thinking of buying a hammock? Fucking brunch? Okay, now, maybe I'm biased against DC. I've been a Marvel guy from the beginning, starting with a very early interest in Spider-Man that grew into an obsession, and finally, a career. (It was recently announced that I will be replacing Tobey Maguire in the next installment of Spider-Man due out May 2010.)
Combine that with the fact that Marvel's last few years have been some of its strongest ever, you can understand my position. Don't get me wrong, I've read my fair share of Batman comics, (Is "all of them" considered a fair share? I think so.), but beyond the Bat, I've never really been excited about DC's heroes. Flash? Aquaman!? Even Superman is painfully boring to me. Give him a drinking disorder at least.
Forget 'morale-boosters,' we'd rather have the money.
Trends among women trigger a level of contempt that's way beyond what is deserved.
Buckle up. This article is gonna be wild.