The Sheer Madness That Was The Star Wars Horror Book Series

In the end, a medallion that somehow kept its wearers safe from planetary consumption was thrown into the planet's core, causing D'vouran to collapse in on itself and die. But not before author John Whitman squeezed in this stomach-churning description of a planet in its death throes:

"The planet D'vouran was squirming. It wriggled and trembled as though trying to change its shape. Bright flashes of light that looked like volcanic eruptions appeared on its surface. The planet bulged outward, becoming a horribly misshapen mass. Then it collapsed in on itself, churning and swirling into a smaller and smaller lump of writing matter in space. With a final shudder, D'vouran vanished altogether."

The planet popped itself, expanded like a cartoon character that swallowed a bundle of dynamite, then basically ate itself into nonexistence. Alderaan got off easy.

Wait. Did Star Wars just rip-off Spaceballs?

In the second book in the series, City Of The Dead, Zak and Tash journey to Necropolis. You know how planets in the Star Wars universe all tend to have no diversity? Hoth is all snow, Tatooine is all sand, Coruscant is all city, Dagobah is all swamp. Necropolis is pretty much all cemetery. Its biggest enemy is probably Goth kids whose dark rituals are interrupted by security guards threatening to call their parents.

LucasfilmOr overrated bounty hunters.

The entire book is packed with one horror after another that would scar a young reader. There are the boneworms, slithering creatures that suck the marrow out of people's bones. When they're done slurping marrow they leave behind a slime that the story's villain harnesses to create a serum that reanimates the dead, which brings on legions of zombies. But before Zak and Tash even step foot on the planet, Zak has a nightmare that's not only horror-movie scary, but cuts way too deep for a children's book:

"A dead, gray hand rose into view.

It was followed by a pale white arm, and then strands of blackened hair. Finally the figure's face floated into view. It was white with empty sockets for eyes, but he recognized the face anyway.

It was his mother.

As he watched in horror, the mouth moved, and Zak heard his mother's voice moan, 'Zak, why did you leave us behind?"

LucasfilmDon't worry, if any kids lacked the imagination to picture Zak's mom's decaying skull they included a hologram of it on the deluxe cover.

In a nightmare, Zak gets guilt-tripped by the corpse of his dead mother, proving that even in death a mother can still get under your skin. And then when he lands on the planet itself, the nightmare is the least of his worries. Because, again, boneworms.

But Eppon is growing before their eyes. Literally. Soon after they find him he grows too heavy to carry, which doesn't matter because soon after that he's walking on his own. The gang finds out what Eppon really is when they encounter a squad of Stormtroopers in their travels. Eppon rips off a Stormtrooper's helmet, grabs him by the head and melts his face into jelly using only his touch. Remember, this is a children's book. Keep that in mind as you read what happens next:

"Then, with a loud, wet slurping sound, Eppon sucked the liquefied skin into himself. He simply absorbed the trooper's face into his own body.

The rest of the stormtrooper quickly followed. Skin, bone, organs, everything, simply turned to liquid and was absorbed into Eppon."

LucasfilmMeanwhile, the underpants of any kids reading had to absorb another liquid.

Eppon is later revealed to have been yet another Imperial super-weapon in the making, because planet-destroying lasers and man-eating planets weren't enough, so Palpatine figured he'd hedge his bets with a walking blender that can turn enemies into protein shakes within seconds. Again: Children's book.

It's later discovered that the culprit behind the spike in the beetle population is an evil grasshopper man named Vroon. I wonder what gruesome yet ironic fate he's met with at the book's climax?

"Just as Zak had hoped, Vroon was inside. But all that was left of him was his hard, transparent S'krrr shell. His eyes and the rest of his body had been eaten away."

The end. Good night, kid! Sweet dreams!

At one point, a member of the Arranda's crew becomes injured, so The Children offer their homestead as a shelter while they provide medical attention. The rest of the crew are invited to sit at the fire and share in The Children's meal. Zak is about to dig into his bowl of stew when a silver ring floats to the surface.

"He suddenly realized why the Children had started finding food just after their arrival.

The smuggler on guard duty had been killed, and soon the Children had prepared a feast.

The next smuggler had gone down in the spider battle. Then the Children had cooked more food.

Traut had been wounded. His arm had been cut off, and then his leg. Each time, the Children had cooked more food."

Zak investigates but he's knocked unconscious and wakes up in a makeshift cage. Of all people, who should be captured in the cage next to him: Boba Fett. The legendary bounty hunter was captured by a bunch of starving Children, officially killing your mental image of Boba Fett as the most badass guy in the galaxy.

Lucasfilm I wasn't joking with that overrated comment earlier.

Fett and Zak break out and lead The Children on a mad dash through the swamp. The Children force the chase into the cave where their parents left their last records detailing the failures that sunk their mission.

Triggered by motion, a video plays on a nearby screen. Zak, Fett, and The Children alike are frozen in their tracks as they watch the story told by The Parents.

"Zak saw the survivors, starved into madness, turning on a corpse. He and Galt and the other Children could clearly see how horrified the parents were by their own acts. What they had done was a last, desperate attempt to save their children. It was the act of beings so hungry they had lost their minds. As the parents fed their starving children, they cried."

The Children are so transfixed by their parents' anguish that they forget their prey entirely. They cannot survive on their own. They cannot be allowed to continue as cannibals. The captain of the crew agrees to take them on her ship, to find somewhere for them to live.

As the series ends, a few questions remain unanswered. Will The Children fall back on their instincts once more? Will the Arranda kids ever find a planet that does not try to kill them? But most importantly, did the twelve-year-olds reading this ever sleep through the night again?

Kristen Mohr has encountered many more nightmares in the library since then. She has a Masters degree in Information Science and a mental archive of facts from Cracked.

For more check out The 7 Most Accidentally Horrifying Children's Characters and 6 Creepy Things You Never Noticed About Famous Kids Cartoons.

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