Ross Wolinsky
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E is for EBay Passwords
There are an estimated 6.684 billion on this planet, but only about 15,000 of them work at eBay. Assume all of the rest of them know nothing about eBay's password recovery options, and try to trick them into giving you their account information. Furthermore, assume they won't think twice about the fact that no legitimate website on the entire internet would ever ask for your personal information via email. Why can you make this assumption? Skip to "H" to find out.
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Play your cards right and you could end up a card-carrying member of the nouveau riche. Naturally, you'll need to adjust your lifestyle accordingly. Pick out a massive McMansion in a satellite suburb, fill it with gaudy furniture and cold, hideous modern art, and find yourself a trophy wife with expensive habits and an icy stare. Fill your four-car garage with tasteless luxury cars and put an enormous, sexually explicit fountain on your front lawn. The neighbors might not appreciate it, but remember: You're an email spammer now. That means that the neighbors, the welcoming committee, and whoever wrote the letter kindly requesting that you remove the sexually explicit fountain from your front lawn can all go f**k themselves.
O is for Outrage
When you attend social functions, people may ask what you do for a living. Saying "I'm an email spammer" probably won't get the best response, so try to pad the blow if at all possible. Say "I'm in marketing" or "I work in digital media" and see how that goes, or maybe just say "I'm a walking pile of dog s**t," drop your pants, and sit down bare-assed in the punch bowl. You might as well - as an email spammer, nobody is expecting much better out of you.
A word to the wise: pretty much everyone hates spammers. As a result, there will always be people wishing you would "quit it." (They might also say "knock it off" or "cut it out" or something like that.) These people are idiots with zero business sense who should be ignored at all costs. Remember: If you follow their advice, it won't be long before you're right back where you started, selling
S is for Stealthy
This is what you'll need to be if you don't want to get caught. You don't want anything getting traced back to you, so it's probably a good idea to take some measures to protect your identity. Wear a top hat and monocle when you're out in the street so that nobody recognizes you, but change into a turban and sunglasses when you're at home to throw "them" off. Track down
U is for Unbelievably Large Penis
There's no shortage of products that claim to increase the size of your penis, and there's no reason not to offer all of them to your victim- err... clients. Pumps, creams, pills; no matter what it is, shove it in their faces and cross your fingers. Which reminds me...
People around the world are different. Some of them wear funny hats, some of them wear wooden shoes, and some of them put sheets over everything but their eyes. (They walk around like that!) Some people have slanty eyes, some people have flat, wide noses, and some people have red hair. (RED! WTF?!) But despite all of these trivial differences, it's important to remember that we're all just human beings being human. Who cares if someone looks a little different than you look? It's not the color of a person's skin that matters; it's how much money they have in their bank account, and how easily you can trick them into giving it to you. Drop the racism, transcend nationalism, and try to steal from
Y is for Your Soul
This is what you give up when you choose a career in the spam industry, but think about it from a financial perspective: What is the monetary value of a soul? Last I checked it was ZERO DOLLARS.
Z is for Zebras
Give me a break - there's nothing spam-related that starts with "Z."
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