I want you to look at this photo for a moment and take in what you think you see. Some ugly chips, a couple pickles, and what? Grilled cheese from a panini press? Oh, you. Oh, you naive and precious person, you. I could hug you. This is not a grilled cheese. It's partially a grilled cheese, in that way that a zombie is partially human or a turd is partially a meal you had yesterday, but there's something transformative that has taken place, and now all the goodness is gone.
To better illustrate my point, here is another photo of the Chunky Elvis, which is the real name of this sandwich.
Do you see? Don't turn away, now is the most honest moment we'll ever share together. Now is the time when we decide if we'll be lifelong friends or never speak again. Now is when you stare into the blackness and see where I spent 20 minutes choking this fucking thing down for the sake of Internet comedy. I ate the whole fucking thing! I ATE EVERY BITE!
This frantic melange of wrong flavor combinations and disgraceful intentions is a grilled cheese and bacon and banana and peanut butter sandwich. It is all those things. It should be not those things.
This sandwich is not one of those quirky "Wow, I can't believe how good this thing is" situations where you enter into it with some trepidation but are delighted to find it somehow works. Bitch don't work. Bitch is unemployed and staying that way.
Cheese and banana tastes like shit and cheese or shit and banana, as your personal tastes dictate. Peanut butter and cheese do much the same thing. Bacon and banana is also completely preposterous. In point of fact, I will venture out on a limb and say that there are probably only a tiny handful of flavors in the world that are actually complemented by banana. Sure, peanut butter is one of them, but all the rest are other fruits and chocolate. Meat and banana go together like tongue kissing and your grandma's trach tube.
The only time this sandwich was palatable was when I was somehow lucky enough to taste only peanut butter and banana or taste only cheese and bacon. It forces you into a situation in which you're a little sandwich piggy, eating two sandwiches at once because you can't wait to do them one at a time, and it's OK when you get a bite of one or the other but when they combine into a repulsive Voltron of greasy salt and sweetness it tastes like the punishment you deserve for eating this filthy thing in the first place. You did this to yourself, no one made you do it, so you'll suffer in silence and no one will pity you.
Don't ever make this sandwich, and don't ever eat it. That is all.
For more from Felix, check out 9 Things You Can Eat When You're Hungry and at a Porn Store and 10 Ways to Feed Yourself While Broke and Hungry.
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