(oh, no ...)
, former senator (oh, Jesus ...)
and former governor of (Aaaah, here it comes!)
New Jersey. Then you'd have misplaced $1.2 billion
, including your employees' retirement funds, and crashed your commodities firm three years after all the cool CEOs were doing it. Testifying twice before Congress, he summoned an achingly heartfelt shrug and didn't even claim to have been mugged in Newark.
And yet someone managed to out-bastard him. Someone managed to out-bastard them all, so profoundly that it's difficult to imagine any of the runners-up inventing a fictional character as perfectly bastardly as him ...
But before we get to the 2011 bastard of the year (or before you scroll down to find out who he is), the results of our global bastard census ...
America continued to ease off its foreign bastardry commitments to invest its remaining $10 in misery at home. Exiting Iraq relieved pressure on an inflated bastard reputation, even as 63 deaths wrote a touching post-script to the love letter we wrote that country in the blood of dead citizens. With anywhere from 100,000 to 1,000,000 Iraqi corpses -- ahhh, but who's counting? -- the important thing is that we shared this kind of once-in-a-lifetime-and-usually-at-the-end-of-it intimacy.
Domestic bastardry continued its 50-year climb, as fiscal titans raised a snide glass of champagne to the 99 percent who had saved their asses without even being allowed to stipulate how the money should be spent. The strongest growth was, as always, among uninformed bastards that think they know everything, who chided at protestors angry about the lack of real jobs to go get real jobs.
Iraq didn't even wait till the door stopped swinging to re-embrace bastardry, with the Shiite Prime Minister promising "
rivers of blood
" if the Sunni try to defect, as well as if they stay and govern. It's reassuring to know that after trillions diverted from our economy, after 37,000+ U.S. servicepeople killed or maimed, and after the staggering six-figure Iraqi casualties, authoritarian sectarianism was able to afford a new suit.
Big gains for Russia with a possibly crooked and definitely dubious election. Putin's Russia is a continual top performer with blue chip projections for 2012 and beyond. Expect to see public figures brutally murdered in mysterious circumstances, coupled with expanded sex trafficking in foreign markets. Sex and death never go out of style, and we're backing Russia for the long-market. Definitely a buy, if you can't steal it.
A rare surge of hopeful bastardry swept away regimes in the countries of the Arab Spring, paving the way for democracy and subtler brands of corruption.
Japan suffered a slow Q2 caused by global sympathy caused by radioactive pollution caused by tsunami caused by earthquake caused by I bet you expected a Godzilla joke here, but nope! The plucky archipelago redoubled its bastard efforts, striking back at nature with its annual