In a Balloon Battle game, your character is given three balloons, and other players try to pop them with ridiculous weapons as you race around the track. In my version, however, the goal is to pop your own balloons as quickly as possible and lose the game ... in order to win. And to keep it interesting, all three balloons should be popped by your own hand. Get killed by someone else and you're dead. I mean, the wrong kind of dead. Not the fun one we're going for here.
Note: This mode should only be tried within Mario Kart 8. Do not attempt to die in real life. Or at least don't leave any evidence that you died after reading Cracked ... for instance, by tying a bunch of balloons to your car, sans parade and/or marriage.
The Test Drive:
Losing is actually kinda fun! My current record is about 20 seconds. I was lucky enough to get a Bob-omb, so for my first balloon I repeated a technique I've accidentally done a million times called "being a doofus":
Using a bomb to pop a balloon feels slightly like overkill.
For the other two, I just ran straight off a ledge as my baffled opponents circled around me, hopefully wondering when I was going to flip out and point my self-hate in their direction:
How the hell did I share last place with two other people? Did this game mode catch on already?