Play with your eyes closed. Just ... just play with your eyes closed, guided by nothing but the sound of the game and your instincts, like Ben Affleck in Daredevil. Hence the name of the mode. Or if, like Ben Affleck in Armageddon, you don't wanna close your eyes, you can turn off your TV and hook up the audio elsewhere. Alternatively, you can be naturally blind and play the game normally, I guess.
The Test Drive:
I actually started pretty well, but then a dude playing as Rosalina (it's always dudes playing as Rosalina) bumped me off course and I spent the rest of the race accelerating against the rail on the side of the road, convinced I was doing awesomely. Here's the full video for this one:
There's a lot of hostility going around in Mario Kart games: Everyone's always throwing fruits and dead turtle parts at each other, like a riot in a public zoo. A public zoo with bombs. "Fuck That Guy" Mode attempts to make the game more pleasant for most of the players by focusing all the aggression on a single target. You're only allowed to attack one fellow player in your group, so make sure to choose your opponent very carefully.
In my case, there was a guy in my online room called ProfLargeDick who hit me with a red shell once, so I skipped the careful deliberation and went straight for him.
The Test Drive:
My first round against Professor Large-Dick had some difficulties, since all I got was mushrooms, and that's like the one item you can't use to hit other people. I did my best with the tools at my disposal, but ultimately Large-Dick emerged victorious.
That massive cock.
I had all but given up on the validity of the "Fuck That Guy" Mode when, during the last stretch of our final race, I got the coveted fireballs. I actually let myself fall back in the race just so I could let him pass me and do this:
Right in the mushroom.
It worked better than I thought -- my last fireball happened to hit Large-Dick as he was jumping over the water, causing him to fall down and have to suffer the indignity of being fished out by a turtle piloting a cloud. Professor Large-Dick got what he deserved for being called that, and came in ninth. I came in 10th for being a moron who slowed down to fight with an Internet stranger, but still, I take solace in knowing that at least I probably have a larger pe- shit.
Maxwell Yezpitelok has a free comic you can read and a Twitter you can follow.