7

People Who Are Cartoonishly Supportive About Body Image

Everybody knows that society is oppressing us with ridiculous standards of body image, especially when it comes to women, and that we all need to do our part to reverse it by making normal-sized people feel confident in themselves and stop them from thinking they are fat.

That's totally correct, but all good things can be taken too far. Some people think that it is always 100 percent wrong to ever admit anyone is fat and have a confused notion that to ever agree with anyone that they are overweight is to become one of society's oppressors. If someone who is actually overweight says, "Oh man do I need to lose some weight," these people's knee-jerk reaction will be, "Oh no! What are you talking about! You're totally fine the way you are!" without even looking at them.

This happens the most when someone is just slightly overweight, like by 25 pounds or so, because that segment of the population -- slightly overweight women -- is the one we think needs the most coddling in terms of self-esteem, the most prone to spiraling into self-hate and anorexia at the slightest provocation. For some people, body image is a very sensitive thing, and a lot of tact is needed, but many people are actually capable of talking about being overweight as a matter-of-fact problem, like if their roof was leaking or their car broke down.

It can be a bit condescending when this kind of handle-with-care attitude comes from people who should know you really well and know you're not a fragile flower who needs any comment about their appearance addressed with gentle euphemisms and patronizing reassurances.

In practice, it's a big pain in the nuts when people exchange meaningful looks when you order a salad for lunch and tell you with misplaced concern that you're just fine and try to pressure you into getting a burger. It might be appropriate concern in the case of an actual anorexic, but not for someone whose doctor has told them they are 30 lbs. overweight and their cholesterol is in the danger zone.

6

People Who Take Food Too Personally

5

People Who Never Think It's Good Enough

Everyone knows about the stereotypical Asian parent that sees their kid's straight-A report card and asks, "Why no A+?" This kind of joke is apparently very funny to people without such parents but just depressing and straightforwardly true to people who have them.

Well, you get the exact same kind of people when it comes to getting in shape. Tell them you're going to stop drinking soda and drink only water, and they'll say, "That's not going to do anything, you're still eating burgers for lunch and playing video games all day." Tell them you're going to take a half-hour walk at lunch every day and they'll snort derisively and say, "You know the amount of calories you burn in one walk isn't even enough to make up for one banana, right?"

Pretty much nobody outside of movies ever switches lifestyles overnight, suddenly cutting fat from their diet, exercising five times a week, quitting video games and TV, swapping pasta for quinoa and steak for tofu. Almost everyone who's successfully turned their weight around started out with one "useless" change, like exercising once a week or subbing water for soda. (I put "useless" in quotes because dropping one extra large soda can save you 500 calories just like that.)

4

Overly Spontaneous People

Sticking to an exercise/diet routine depends a lot on planning and routine. Some plans have a once-a-week splurge worked in, maybe a Pig-out Friday to let the pressure out, so you can get back to the grind on Saturday. If you're taking exercise classes -- martial arts, boot camp, yoga, pole dancing -- you might only be able to go certain days of the week.

Spontaneous people can throw this all out of whack. Friends who call you up and ask if you want to go out to dinner in the city -- and it turns out their reservation is an hour from now. Or friends who just came from out of town and forgot to tell you ahead of time, but they're leaving tomorrow. Someone who just realized it was so-and-so's birthday and "we have to do something." Or maybe parents that drop by unexpectedly with home-cooked dinners because "you're so busy."

Once in a while, spontaneity is great, but too many free spirits, helpful parents and poor planners in your life can add up to four pig-out nights a week, a month of missing kung fu classes and a completely sabotaged diet.

3

Family Members Who Are Not On A Diet

2

People Who Make Fun Of Your Stupid Exercise Routine

I'm not saying it's wrong to make fun of people for doing Jazzercise, Tae-bo, Zumba, yoga, powerwalking, soccer, pole dancing fitness or martial arts as an adult, and we as Americans have a duty to come up with humorous quips about our friends' manhood or coolness or funny-looking neon-colored exercise gear, in order to save our declining mainstream sports.

But if your friend is a perennial couch potato who's finally found the motivation to exercise through country line dancing aerobics, after failing to stick with jogging, walking, MMA and any other cool-people-acceptable exercises, you might want to think twice about whether you might be sabotaging his last chance to not die early of heart disease.

1

Delicious People

Personally, I was making a lot of progress in my weight loss over the past week, ever since that big biohazard emergency. I guess the mandatory quarantine has helped keep out distractions so I could really focus. The weight has literally been falling off of me, like in actual chunks of flesh, which is a little weird, but I guess that makes sense, how else would fat people get thinner?

The only problem is that lately I just keep running into really delicious looking people, just really pink and fleshy, with brains that just melt in your mouth. They have to be like, a million calories. I guess I just need to start avoiding bunkers and fortified buildings entirely, since they're always chock full of tempting, tasty-looking people.

Damn these people, it's their fault I can't go anywhere these days. Well, that and the fact my feet fell off.

For more from Christina, check out 5 Reasons Riding a Bike Is The Most Humiliating Exercise and 5 Weight Loss Tips for Cynical Bastards.

Check out Robert Evans' A Brief History of Vice: How Bad Behavior Built Civilization, a celebration of the brave, drunken pioneers who built our civilization one seemingly bad decision at a time.