You can't assault a peace officer. We don't allow it. Because of the nature of the work police officers do, they're afforded a degree of respect and protection that is somewhat above and beyond that of a regular citizen. And of course we see a lot of videos these days of police officers abusing their authority, but hopefully what we're seeing are the minority of irregular instances that exist among a majority of times when police do their job well and respectfully. All of this, of course, has something or other to do with why you can't fart on a cop.
Jose Cruz failed three field sobriety tests and, as a result, he was taken into custody. As the arresting officer was setting up a breathalyzer test, Cruz scooched closer in his chair, lifted a cheek and proceeded to fog the atmosphere with his foul wind. Worse, he used his hands to waft it towards the officer in a final, insulting gesture. The fart was so egregious that it was described as being "very odorous and created contact of an insulting or provoking nature" and netted Cruz an assault charge. Assault. With his ass. I'd say "ass-ault" but I made that joke earlier in the article. Maybe we'll go with ass-ail this time.
Journalistic Merit: 2 of Wolf's Blitzers out of 5
Nancy Grace Fart Lovers
Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Nancy Grace fits perfectly into this article, as I've often suspected that if a particularly sour and somewhat viscous fart were ever able to coalesce into human form, it would likely become Grace herself. So it's appropriate then that she has her very own fart story which we should never forget about because I bet it makes her unhappy to have this spread around, and if anyone ever deserved to be unhappy it's a terribly judgmental and destructively irresponsible blowhard like Nancy Grace.
If you remember some years back after Dancing with the Stars officially gave up on even trying to use "stars" and apparently went with the scientific definition being a hot, flaming gas ball, Nancy Grace was a contestant on the show. Here's TMZ's classy reporting on the subject;
This story alone would be funny enough because it's nice when a human troglodyte has to endure such childish humiliation on a national stage, but there's a second chapter to Nancy Grace Fartgate, and it is this -- fart aficionados, which I guess are a thing, wanted that clip. After the show aired, porn websites tried to buy the clip to post online so that people who are neither turned off by Nancy Grace or farting, and in fact may be turned on by both, could wank to the incident. This was reported as actual news in the real world. People wanted to jerk off to Nancy Grace farting. I dare you to forget that. I dare you to live the rest of your life oblivious to what you now know. That somewhere out there was a guy who was all, "Oh, yeah, this is alright!" and he took his pants off and sat in his comfy chair and probably buttered his schlong while watching that clip over and over again until he was finished and then he cleaned up with a tube sock.
Journalistic Merit: 1 greasy Nancy Grace Fart out of 5