Dance the Macarena

The Macarena was originally designed by conservative parents to convince their gay children to not grow up to be dancers. Later, it was used by the military to see if it was possible to weaponize a wedding DJ's quiet rage. It's a combination of waving and rotating so easy to do that nearby people in wheelchairs will ask you to stop patronizing them. Gorillas use it as the sign language word for urinary tract infections. As for learning it, it's actually harder to not know how to do the Macarena because it involves going back in time and convincing your mother it's okay to drink hi-yield insecticide. I guess my point is, if you're buying a tape on it, get your affairs in order. Natural selection has been training for millions of years to get things exactly like you the fuck out of the gene pool.

This VHS tape is worth 500 times less than the postage needed to mail it and it runs 30 times longer than a convincing speech about why you should never do the Macarena. By my math, you would have to beat a dog with a 6" Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki to find a faster, more affordable way to tell the world you're an asshole. When you order this, Amazon.com tells you that it is frequently bought with a rope and an unsigned suicide note.

Dogs*** Breath Bumper Sticker

If I had to pick two words to describe myself, I'd either pick "Cock Tornado" or "Robocop Twice." This bumper sticker seems designed for people with lower self esteem. Dog---- Breath? Maybe this is for vegans who want to share the horrible things their body needs to do in order to dissolve chicory, but don't have time to breathe on everyone.

Maybe it's for serial killers to explain why their car smells like a decaying runaway? Is this just a badly translated label from a Chinese pet euthanizing bag? It makes no sense why someone would drive in a car labelled "Dog---- Breath." And that scares me, because when I can't figure something like this out it always ends up being a sex thing. This sticker is almost certainly a discreet way to tell ladies that you're not picky about looks and your face is a toilet.

I thought the crossed out "shit" is what really makes this bumper sticker special. It felt like a look behind the curtain of the humor(?) writer's process. "Should the bumper say Dog Breath... or Dogshit Breath? Holy fuck, why not kind of both?" Unfortunately, after reading the Product Features, I realized I was giving this bumper sticker author too much credit:

Paparazzi Shades

Hi, hipsters. Has this every happened to you? You desperately want to tell a camera about your remedial sense of humor but your finger with the moustache tattooed on it smells too much like dickhole to put near your nose? That's why you need Paparazzi Shades, you witless piece of human trash! They make the several seconds after explaining that you're not coming from cataract surgery nearly hilarious!

You usually see black censored bars over the eyes of the people in a group photo who didn't recently go missing, so be careful if you look around and notice you're the only one not wearing Paparazzi Shades. I wouldn't worry about that happening, though. Novelty items don't usually get marked down from $24.95 to $00.01 when they're a runaway success. These are so worthless that if a malnourished Bangladeshi girl's hair falls into the box while she's manufacturing a pair of Paparazzi Shades, they quadruple in value. So yes, I'm saying that Paparazzi Shades are at least the number one reason Bangladeshi factory children aren't fed. And you thought they were just figuratively the worst things ever.

Balls

What color are your balls? Wait, what? This has to be some kind of edgy video game promotion, or maybe a way for a jugglers to tell each other they're rapists. It can't just be a clumsy, context-free reference to ball balls, can it? Let's look at the Product Description...

Huh. "Sex, men, genitals, testicle, nuts, gonads." I guess that explains that. Though it doesn't explain why the person asking me about my balls has shark teeth on his, or what his endgame might be. Is he hoping I'm also frustrated with my sex life and we'll make some kind of gentleman's agreement to put on wigs and clinically milk each other? Is he an alien trying to decorate a cake? I love that it's only one cent, but I really wouldn't mind spending a bit more for a pin that makes a god damn bit of sense.

Misty Mate Pet Misting System

I can't believe the Misty Mate Pet Misting System got marked down 99.99999%. If there's one thing every animal loves, it's being enveloped by a robot that spits on them. This horrible device is exactly what cats will invent when they become smart enough to force information from one another.

According to the manufacturer's website, it's great for "dog houses, pet runs, horse stables, reptile enclosures, rabbit pens, bird cages or any play area for your pet." It requires one standard garden hose in case you ever wanted to say the words, "Yes, landlord, I agree that a running garden hose is a strange thing to have in a living room, but how else was I going to keep my bird or snake moist?" And did I read that part about horse stables correctly? The damn thing is the size of a cat carrier. How is that supposed to keep a horse cool? Do I clamp it onto the animal's face? I bet there's a reason no horse has never drowned from a lawn sprinkler being wrapped around its mouth-- it will fucking die of panic long before it gets that far. So... I guess I turn the mister upside down and hope my horse is smart enough to drag its penis through it? That doesn't sound safe. My research with off-brand Real Dolls shows that discount plastics and giant cocks are a dangerous, shrapnelly combination.

Beer Pounding Alpha Male Stud Pin

I'm confused. Where does a real beer pounding alpha male stud wear this button? On his Chili's vest? On his boyfriend's tennis bag? I didn't even know this product was available to the consumer market, much less priced at one penny. I thought you could only get a BEER POUNDING ALPHA MALE STUD pin by mailing in the code given to you by your mother when you ask her what a clitoris is.

In theory, I like this pin. It seems polite to warn everyone that you're going to fill yourself with liquor and dominate their girlfriends, but I think it should really be delivered on a tougher medium than metal button. For example, maybe a bundle of balloons or a t-shirt being worn by your parrot.

DIPPY The Rabbit

The market dropped out for Beanie Baby collectors more quickly than it dropped out for Japanese nuclear engineers. Today, both groups of people are left to deal with thousands of tons of waste, unsure how to get rid of it, and cursing the God that allowed it. It's so tough out there for Beanie Babies that DIPPY the Rabbit had to get a job as a breast implant.

Full House Pin

Imagine a man gave you a 1" button with Dave Coulier's picture on it. That means he's going to kill you, right? Probably, but I'm not done. Imagine it's Dave Coulier's serious actor head shot above Uncle Joey's wacky catchphrase, "CUT IT OUT." Imagine this mysterious stranger expects you to keep careful track of the stupid button in a warehouse full of stupid buttons then make it available for Internet shoppers once whatever those are are invented. Imagine they ask you to do this for 17 years. What would seem like a reasonable fee for all that? Zero pennies? No, come on, he insists: one penny.