The Groom of the Stool’s got at least one up on everyone else on this list, as he’s technically a nobleman. That said, the Groom of the Stool is Nobility the way circus peanuts are a candy. His official job is to make sure that the King’s chamber pot is always clean and free of “occupants” when the King wants to make butt decrees.
So Where Does the Poop/Pee Come in?
I’ll bet you thought that the chamber pot stuff was the gross bit. Buddy, you ain’t read nothing yet. In addition to polishing the Royal throne, the Groom of the Stool was in charge of wiping the King’s Royal ass.
Why the King couldn’t do it himself is a mystery only until you realize that in Medieval times, paper was too much of a luxury to be used for something as frivolous as ass-wipery. And apparently lacking shells, leaves, soft rocks, or any sense of decency, the people of the day sagely chose the hand as the favored wiping implement. Thus the Groom of the Stool’s chief job was the fondling of another man’s stew.
You want a title, and you genuinely don’t care what it is.
Your hands are smooth, disease-free, and well-suited to scraping.
You’re able to master the delicate art of conversing normally while wiping a man’s ass with your hands.
Unless the King’s got dysentery, you’re only called for work once or twice a day.
You’re in a prime position to assassinate the Head of State should a motive ever arise.
Such an act would have special poignancy because of the inclusion of the words “ass” and “ass” in “assassinate.”
When not writing for Cracked, Michael works in the relatively feces-free position of head writer and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!