50 aikido lunatics
. They take turns sprinting at him and when each of them gets close, something subtle causes them to front flip. Sus**ciously, this front flip-causing ability only seems to work against people who are voluntarily practicing aikido with you. Against regular people, it only seems to be very unpleasant on your joints. And against soup, it's practically useless.
Super Power #4: Taser
Steven Seagal's martial arts mastery has granted him no special abilities with tasers, but he loves them. Loves them. If you give him the opportunity, he will violate every part of your body and every part of the warranty on his taser at the same time. If a viewer were to take a drink every time Seagal says the word "taser," he or she would
wake up to the smell of Steven
Seagal electrically searing their nipples for public intoxication.
Does it Work?
Yes. In one scene, he's arguing with guy who has such a deep voice that if you close your eyes, it sounds like Steven Seagal vs. Andre the Giant
. The only difference between this guy's voice and a fog horn is that fog horns sometimes wear shirts. And when he threw a tantrum and kicked out the back window of the patrol car, Steven Seagal went over to it, implanted the suspect's balls with an electric barb and, for what must have been 80 percent of the episode, leaned on the taser trigger
. As Seagal used his martial arts zen to blas
t his guy's nuts
, he started to sound less like Andre the Giant and more like a non-horse trying to f**k Andre the Giant. Aiieeeee!!! Ironically, he got tasered for breaking a window, and now he shatters glass every time he tries to talk.
Steven Seagal's taser uses more electricity in a day than a Texas prison. Where you and I leave a carbon footprint, Steven Seagal pounds his foot into the Earth's ass
, and activates his coal-burning boot taser.
Super Power #5: Detective Skills
One thing martial arts did not give Steven is keen detective skills.