6

Popobawa

Villains.wikia.com

Cracked has shared the story of the popobawa with you before, because what self-respecting website could learn of the existence of a one-eyed buggerist goblin and not tell people about it? In a nutshell, that's who and what the popobawa is -- a monster who shows up when you're asleep and slips you the high hard one in the back door. Somehow even more bizarre is how, apparently, he tells you that you better tell people about it, or else he'll come back to do it again. So you know, start gossiping.

What you may not know is that this isn't some story from the Dark Ages, when a mud farmer and a poop farmer would meet in the middle of a field, sit down to a lunch of mushrooms and despair, and spin yarns about why their asses hurt so much. This thing was born in the 1960s and has been reported in the news, as in on the BBC, as late as 2001. The news legitimately reports on outbreaks of ass-blasting monsters in Tanzania. That's why 24-hour networks don't help society better itself.

How do you defend against a popobawa, and what does it want? You could try to never fall asleep, as some villagers do. As for what it wants? Your ass. It wants to be inside your ass, and then it wants you to tell your friends that last night, a small one-eyed bat man plowed your ass like a field of cassava. And that's why this monster is so terrifying. It has no part 2 to its plan. It just wants to bugger you and then enjoy knowing you told a friend.

5

Asmodeus

Villains.wikia.com

4

Thokolosi

Whofortedblog

Like the popobawa, the thokolosi wants to debauch people in their sleep, which is apparently just a huge cultural fear in other parts of the world. Not that North Americans aren't afraid of home invasion or sexual assault, but we generally blame those things on actual creeps wearing ski masks, not dwarves who have one buttock and a penis so long they have to sling it over their shoulder like an old hose. As an aside, how does one buttock work? Where is the asshole?

Putting aside its mysterious pooper, the thokolosi haunts the southern parts of Africa. A little fellow of about three feet in height, he's said to break into your house and give you AIDS. Is that not the shittiest monster you've ever heard of? He has AIDS. Imagine how the entire legend of bigfoot would be so much weirder if, just for no good reason, he also had herpes.

3

Pontianak

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The pontianak is an Indonesian monster that deserves special recognition thanks to the city of Pontianak, which is the capital of West Kalimantan and has a population of 573,000. Over half a million people live in a town named after a monster that eats dicks. That's some hardcore shit. And it wasn't even an accident or a coincidence, or the monster being named after the town, oh no. They named the town for a dick muncher because, legend has it, its founder saw a pontianak at the spot where the palace would be built. And then he thought, "Welp, not eating my giggleberries if I drop a palace on your head," and went ahead with construction.

As you gathered from that colorful intro, the pontianak eats your wiener. This doesn't happen all willy-nilly, mind you; it's not like you're at 7-11, you feel a rustling near your groin, and you look down and suddenly there's a goblin there treating your junk like Big League Chew. The pontianak appears as a beautiful woman on the road when you're travelling, as a lady in white with long dark hair. If you'd ever seen any Japanese horror movies, you'd already be running in fear, but this creature was from a simpler time. She's the spirit of a woman who died while pregnant and is none too happy about that fact. If she's in a particularly sour mood, she'll seduce you and then rip out your insides before indulging in the aforementioned cock-gobbling.

If it helps you sleep better at night, it doesn't always eat your goods. Sometimes it just rips them off with its bare hands. It will, however, suck your eyes out.

In order to prevent this unfortunate fate for yourself, you might want to avoid hot hitchhikers in general. If that's not an option, apparently you can jam a nail into the base of the pontianak's head, which will stop her from turning into her ghoulish form (she has a ghoulish form, btw) and make her into a good wife. In case you're the kind of guy who barely survives a destructive genital attack by a roadside monster and thinks, "How can I marry this beast?"

2

Chuiaels

Arman Zhenikeyev/iStock/Getty Images

The chuiael is a Hindu succubus, so that has to be fun, since the Hindu religion is pretty much the coolest one in the world from a creative standpoint. I'm not trying to besmirch Jesus here, but compare Jesus to Ganesh. One's an unkempt carpenter and the other is a magical elephant man. Was Christianity even trying?

Like any good succubus, the chuiael wants you dead because reasons. Its parents never loved it, it has a chemical imbalance, it played too many video games, I don't know. Point is, it's going to bone you good, and you're going to suffer for it, because the chuiael is an expert fellatiator and is somehow able to literally suck your life out through your chubbins.

There's not much else out there to learn about the chuiaels, but really, what else do you need to know? They steal your life force from your dong. That's some kinda lady.

1

Encantado

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The encantado comes from Brazil, the place where waxing yourself bald was invented, so expect this to be weird. And it is weird! The encantado is a river dolphin (which they actually have in Brazil) that lives in an underwater land of paradise where there is no pain or death, and will occasionally surface in our world to take on human form. Why leave paradise to hang out in Brazil? All that sweet Brazilian ass, my friends.

Having witnessed a Brazilian beach or two in my day, I can say I fully understand where these supernatural dolphins are coming from. They appear as humans, and have pretty much three things going for them: they're built like Roman gods, they want to hit it 24/7, and they love to party. They are by far the coolest monsters in the history of folklore. Who the hell wants to deal with a shitty chupacabra when you have Andrew W.K. the Sex Dolphin down in Brazil?

In human form, the encantado is the coolest person at the party. You can pick one out of crowd because if it tries to leave, everyone freaks out and tries to make him stay. Also, he'll be wearing a hat to cover his blowhole. Fun fact: when he shapeshifts back into a dolphin, he'll still be wearing the hat. This story just keeps getting better.

The downside to this party and hump machine is that they haven't mastered tact just yet, and will sometimes fall in love with their human partners and kidnap them. The weird part is that the locals in Brazil seem to feel this is a bad thing, as if spending forever in a paradise with shapeshifting, magical sex dolphins is a hardship or whatever. Strange country, Brazil is.

For more from Felix, check out 4 Easy Steps to Becoming a Horror Movie Slasher. Even worse than folk monsters? The sexual deviancy of animal celebrities.

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