Breast Developing Jacket, U.S. Patent #3,500,832 (1970)
The Most Sexist Invention in History
Ladies and gentlemen, behold the most sexist fluid-based technology since the non-stick stripper pole.
That is a harness designed to make a woman's breasts bigger by leashing her to the kitchen sink. The water even returns through an outflow valve so that the prisoner doesn't stop washing dishes. The patent refers to the victim as a "patient" and the process as "therapy," because the inventor considers not having big tits a medical problem. The inner layer of the jacket conforms to the wearer's breasts and assaults them, with the idea that running hot water over boobs will magically make them grow like oatmeal, ignoring the fact that if hot water caused breasts to swell, everyone would already have bigger breasts. Modern showers would have given women breast sizes you'd be able to win Scrabble with.
This was only two years after the famous "bra-burning" protest at the 1968 Miss America pageant, and even though no bras were actually burned, this lunatic still built a restraining water-filled self-extinguishing bra just in case. And that was still social progress compared to another madman's earlier invention.
"We're not necessarily treating you like livestock, but if you could lactate, it would defray the costs a bit."
Look at those expansion chambers. The inventor could have made everyone (including himself) happier if he'd just stapled two cows together and lived underneath them.
If H.R. Giger were a dairy farmer.
It's a shame that these people were designing breast restraint frames with skintight material hooked up to fluid hoses at a time when you had to pretend it was a medical treatment. Nowadays you can just admit you both enjoy it and go out and buy the damn thing.
Luke McKinney recently drank The Video Game Cocktail Experiment and investigated The Most Stupidly Expensive Cocktails in the World. He also tumbles and has a website.
For more patent ridiculousness, check out The 7 Most Terrifying Sex Toys Ever Patented and The 7 Most Absurd Inventions in the History of Alcoholism.