The patent admits that breasts can't be exercised, a ballsy admission for any breast-exercising patent. It goes on to explain that it's designed to work your pectoral muscles, and those will make your boobs look good enough. This is a dubious claim for a few reasons. Developed pecs give female bodybuilders boobs like male bodybuilders'. And we're pretty sure pectorals can't be trained with a double-barreled sandwich-maker, forcing us to conclude that this is an attempt to build the world's most sexist device by saying "You need bigger tits and should make me toasted sandwiches."

By their logic, all Subway employees should be double Ds. Especially the men.

They claim the invention achieves the exact same result as bench presses with dangerously heavy weights. When they can't see any effective difference between breasts and firm, rugged pecs, there's something the two male inventors should really know about themselves.

Which may explain why they fantasize about robot dicks ejaculating numbers.

This is nothing less than an attempt to patent second base and masturbation. I can see intellectual property lawyers jumping out at teenagers in cars to serve an injunction, but only if the RIAA didn't get there first because they were both listening to the same MP3. Joseph points out that previous techniques have "left much to be desired or too much to be handled," proving that this patent has rolled way past free-association and into admitting his motives. The patent didn't include any images, for which the patent office should probably be grateful.

Of course the invisible baby above (Reed Richards is trying to remember where he left it) is just a cover story. When you're building fake tits for use in bed, pretending you're doing it for the children isn't helping, and you're probably risking arrest if you persist with that cover story. To find a precedent for that sort of creepiness, you have to go to the Japanese import market, and the box art for stuffed tit-cushions like the Nekomi Miu body pillow.

Mune-kyun.com
I have seen the face of loneliness, and it has GIANT EYES.

But even that can't match our cyclop-tit pillow, which also has the ability to dribble breast milk from its built-in nipple reservoir. Although we have to admit that this is probably the single greatest way to make sure no one sits next you on public transportation while sneaking a beverage on board in the only thing even TSA agents won't dare to grope.

He demonstrates his interest in the comfort of women by having his areolal armor end with an abrupt edge pushed into the undercurve of the breast, although he can't be sure he'd ever talked to one before filing the patent. He goes into detail about how the rubberized shell should match the wearer's skin tone and texture, but since this was 1936, he might as well have imagined flying robotic concubines with RadioMatic Orgasmo-Rays. In 1936, they'd only just invented Scotch tape. An attempt at creating convincing fake flesh was coming more disturbingly ahead of its time than if Marty McFly had gone through with banging his own mom.

Universal Pictures

This invention was designed only to tell women, "Your breasts are abominations, now wear this undercurve-chafing harness for my amusement." Wonder Woman should be grateful DC didn't see this or she'd have an even worse costume.

He complains that modern breast implants don't allow their size to be adjusted after installation and doesn't seem to have the slightest clue about the medically terrifying reasons for that. It's not a total surprise that a man on a quest to turn real women into blow-up dolls doesn't worry about women being comfortable, or even understand that women being comfortable is a theoretical possibility, since it's clearly never happened anywhere near him. But it's still a special sort of crazy that infuses that lack of know-how with what is apparently a fetish to play accordion duets as foreplay.

"I'm horny, dear, fetch the condom and bicycle pumps."

What's especially amusing is how excited Turner clearly was when writing the patent. He comes up with an amazing 19 implementations covering every possible arrangement of hinge-tits in the female chest, but hasn't bothered to figure out whether the implant will be filled with "liquid, gas or solid." Medical technologists spend years working on biocompatible materials, and this guy hasn't even chosen a state of matter. He clearly thought he didn't have time to work such minor details out. He had to get his idea for a drink umbrella you put in your chest patented before anyone else came up with the idea!

She's a dirty, filthy thing and should have her sexual organs sealed in rotating mechanical punishment plumbing. Whatever feelings that sentence stirred in you are exactly the ones you'd probably feel about the inventor of this device, who clearly missed his calling as the only dominatrix who isn't too much of a wimp to connect you to public utilities.

No one would put that on a human chest outside of a Saw movie.

The Rotary Douche mounts the mammary with an electromagnetic stator, with a sealing edge to trap the offending organ in a bell-shaped vessel. Rotary fingers then spin while firing water from all angles. This man uses more terrifying technology to deal with his target than the Ghostbusters.

From Dr. Doom's lingerie catalog.

The patent spends hundreds of words on how to dismantle the breastblaster to clean out tap water calcium deposits, while completely disregarding the part of the user experience where a living, breathing woman's tits are trapped in twin sternal washing machines. While that might suggest that he failed to consider women's feelings, we suspect that he had to remove all the references to "shrieking flesh bags" and didn't know another word for them. If it wasn't for three uses of the word "breasts," you'd swear it was a device for cleaning particularly troublesome diesel engines.