Once you're in position and the woman has blood rushing to her head and her breathing somewhat obstructed, you just start pogo-sticking her for all its worth in the hopes that, somewhere down there, you're not stepping on her face and she's really digging your moves.
If you were to name an animal that you equate with sex, you'd be something of a pervert. But then, if you picked the spider, you'd get the extra special notoriety of being super weird and gross at the same time, because spiders are the opposite of sex.
Grossness aside, in sex terms the spider seems to be what happens when you and your partner get in the crab walk position and smash your genitals together. Once you're locked in place, I guess you just vibrate and hum, or continue butting at each other like mountain goats trying to establish superiority. At some point Tab A and Slot B mush in a mutually satisfactory way and you disengage, or your wrists and knees grow tired and you collapse in a heap of dissatisfaction. Time will tell.
Aleksandar Jocic/iStock/Getty Images Was it bad for you too?
For whatever reason, polite society has come to accept the inclusion of dog references in sex, and horses too. You can be hung like a horse and few people are offended, just as if you request a rousing bout of doggy dancing. But none of us have graduated to the point of being really turned on by a partner coming close and breathily saying, "I wanna f**k you like a spider." Honestly, my first instinct would be to presume she's going to kill me when it's over, and I'm not ready for that. Even if it's really good.
Making sex into a weird game of Twister seems kind of like you're going against the grain anyway. I'm all for trying new positions, but if the position makes you grunt before you even start having sex, it's likely not going to be worth it. Plus, what are the benefits of a position that, once again, requires the man's wang to at best be pointed south-southeast?