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A Full Confession

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They say the most honest moments in a man's life are right after he gets off and when he's dying. Or maybe I just said that. It's been said, anyway. But when you know you're dying, there's probably a real sense of freedom in there somewhere, in that you know it's all coming to a close soon, so who gives a shit what you do in the last few moments? That was the case with Val Patterson, a man dying of throat cancer who decided to say "fuck it" and spill the beans on his life.

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Pocket Knife Surgery

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Unicorn Breeder

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Adult Material

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If a funeral is supposed to be a celebration of one's life, as some like to think, then what should take place at said funeral? Should you just sit and look at a photo while a priest says some words? Should a few people offer eulogies about how good a person you were? Or should shit get so real you need to card people at the entrance?

In the case of Michael "Flathead" Blanchard, shit was real his whole life, and it was going to stay that way in death. His obituary starts by letting you know he hates obituaries about how people courageously battled death, and his own death was the result of stubbornly ignoring doctors and partying for 60 years straight. He was a man who enjoyed booze, guns, and younger women, and said so for all to read.

Blanchard Family

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Heaven Is A Place

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If you're a religious person, you likely take it for granted that a loved one is moving on to the afterlife when they die. What kind of afterlife? Probably Heaven. And what happens in Heaven? People read the paper, so you better make the obituary a memorable one. And you better keep it up on your loved one's birthday, during which they get to chat with God, sleep in late, and have some spirit pancakes and bacon -- which, in case you're concerned, doesn't harm the pig but delights him, because he's a heavenly pig and can just give bacon away and not suffer for it all the live long day. Trust me. Or trust the family of Heather Ann Whetzel-Bissegger, who state in their In Memoriam post that the Deseret News is the paper of record in Heaven and the only one God bothers to read.

Deseret News Publishing Company

You can read the entire post here. It's actually so damn sweet that you might get a little misty and go hug someone you care about, but it also shows that some people can at least face death with the kind of attitude it needs to be met with: a mix of one part somber with three parts humor. Because let's be honest, death sucks enough without us getting all depressed about it and making it worse for the living.

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Evil Mom

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You ever notice dead people are the best people in the world? When someone dies, people will praise them as though they were Frank Sinatra and Mr. Rogers rolled up into one (which I imagine would be the greatest man in history). But how can everyone be great in death when we know from experience that so many people in life are just fantastic assholes? Don't assholes die? The answer is yes they do, and every so often, it gets pointed out.

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The adult children of Marianne Theresa Johnson-Reddick so hated their mother -- and I mean a full-on angry "fuck you, you dead bitch" hate -- that they turned her obituary into the most insulting farewell you could imagine. For some perspective, here's how it started after listing her name and when she died:

She is survived by her six of eight children, whom she spent her lifetime torturing in every way possible. While she neglected and abused her small children, she refused to allow anyone else to care or show compassion towards them. When they became adults, she stalked and tortured anyone they dared to love. Everyone she met, adult or child, was tortured by her cruelty and exposure to violence, criminal activity, vulgarity, and hatred of the gentle or kind human spirit.

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This is basically the kind of homage you'd write for Satan if you were forced to say a few words about him at the annual Hell-Prince Dinner and Gala. The obituary continues:

On behalf of her children, whom she so abrasively exposed to her evil and violent life, we celebrate her passing from this Earth and hope she lives in the afterlife reliving each gesture of violence, cruelty, and shame that she delivered on her children. Her surviving children will now live the rest of their lives with the peace of knowing their nightmare finally has some form of closure.

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You can really only speculate at this point about what kind of otherworldly abuse these kids must have endured at the hands of their mother. When the obituary went viral, media outlets tracked down the kids, who told tales of daily beatings for years, being forced to sleep on floors, and their mother running a brothel out of their house. So if the way you leave this world means anything to you, you may want to consider not being a giant prick in life, lest the first and last impression you leave on the rest of the world is about how much of a cosmically huge cock you were.

For more from Felix, check out 6 Ways ISIS Is Crazier Than You Thought and 4 Cartoon Characters You Won't Believe Are Real People.

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