You ever notice dead people are the best people in the world? When someone dies, people will praise them as though they were Frank Sinatra and Mr. Rogers rolled up into one (which I imagine would be the greatest man in history). But how can everyone be great in death when we know from experience that so many people in life are just fantastic assholes? Don't assholes die? The answer is yes they do, and every so often, it gets pointed out.
"I'm sorry for your loss, but have you already forgotten about all those puppies he kicked?"
The adult children of Marianne Theresa Johnson-Reddick so hated their mother -- and I mean a full-on angry "fuck you, you dead bitch" hate -- that they turned her obituary into the most insulting farewell you could imagine. For some perspective, here's how it started after listing her name and when she died:
She is survived by her six of eight children, whom she spent her lifetime torturing in every way possible. While she neglected and abused her small children, she refused to allow anyone else to care or show compassion towards them. When they became adults, she stalked and tortured anyone they dared to love. Everyone she met, adult or child, was tortured by her cruelty and exposure to violence, criminal activity, vulgarity, and hatred of the gentle or kind human spirit.
Tim Dunn/Reno Gazette-Journal
Her final home, where her only company was 13 extremely unlucky cats.
This is basically the kind of homage you'd write for Satan if you were forced to say a few words about him at the annual Hell-Prince Dinner and Gala. The obituary continues:
On behalf of her children, whom she so abrasively exposed to her evil and violent life, we celebrate her passing from this Earth and hope she lives in the afterlife reliving each gesture of violence, cruelty, and shame that she delivered on her children. Her surviving children will now live the rest of their lives with the peace of knowing their nightmare finally has some form of closure.
If your children react to your death with "ding dong, the witch is dead,"
you might be a massive fuck-up.
You can really only speculate at this point about what kind of otherworldly abuse these kids must have endured at the hands of their mother. When the obituary went viral, media outlets tracked down the kids, who told tales of daily beatings for years, being forced to sleep on floors, and their mother running a brothel out of their house. So if the way you leave this world means anything to you, you may want to consider not being a giant prick in life, lest the first and last impression you leave on the rest of the world is about how much of a cosmically huge cock you were.
For more from Felix, check out 6 Ways ISIS Is Crazier Than You Thought and 4 Cartoon Characters You Won't Believe Are Real People.
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Imagine being trapped aboard the doomed Titanic on an icy Atlantic. . . with the walking dead. Check out Chris Pauls and Matt Solomon's Deck Z: The Titanic.