The passing of the holidays means a new year is underway (according to my sources), and with a new year comes a whole new slate of things to look forward to. New movies, new television shows, new ridiculously funny and dare I say ruggedly handsome Cracked columnists and, my personal favorite, new music. As much as I'd love to unleash my inner music snob and burden you with my extensive list of obscure albums to look forward to in 2012, the fact that just about every music site on the planet has already released their own version of that list is standing in the way. So, in lieu of filling your day with hope and optimism for the state of music in the coming year, I'm going to spend a few paragraphs making fun of people instead. Hope you don't mind. Here are the seven least anticipated albums of 2012.
Release Date: May 29 Record Label: One with particularly low standards. They probably own it. If not, I have no explanation for how this keeps happening.
I trust that looking at this picture will help.
Release Date: January 24 Record Label: Something German, I bet. Volkswagen, maybe? The Sad Details: You might remember Scorpions as the band who rocked you like a hurricane in the early '80s and then used the resulting winds of change from that hurricane to bring down the Berlin Wall as the decade ended. That's my poetic way of saying that these clowns had two hits, "Rock You Like a Hurricane" and "Wind of Change," and that Germany thinks one of them had something to do with the end of communism.
Release Date: February 2012, in time for Valentine's Day, hopefully Record Label: His own, obviously The Sad Details: I don't know, is this a controversial choice? Are there still people out there clamoring for new Marilyn Manson music? Is the public still divided as to whether or not he's some sort of innovator who deserves our respect, or did everyone finally figure out that he's just Alice Cooper minus the pro-level golf skills and classic songs?
Release Date: I don't care when. I just want to know how this happened. Record Label: No, seriously. Tell me. How in the hell is this happening? The Sad Details: Answer me, goddammit! Is this not a menace we have already defeated? Aren't we supposed to be done with Scott Stapp by now? Before I get too emotionally invested in my seething rage, let me sidebar for a moment with the people who might be lucky enough to have never heard of Scott Stapp. He was the lead singer of Creed, a band that dominated the early part of the 2000s (or the "aughts," if you're the type who likes saying things that make people want to slap you). He's responsible for songs like "With Arms Wide Open," which in and of itself is probably enough provocation to get the U.N. to sign off on a formal declaration of war against the United States.
Pretentiousness of the sort displayed by this man should be added to the list of deadly sins. Just check out the name of the album. Somewhere Between Lust and Love? What the fuck does that mean? Why not just call the album Like? If there is one bright spot in the story of Scott Stapp's impending return, it's that the album still doesn't have a firm release date. And if the God that Scott Stapp pretends to believe in for record sales purposes does really exist, it never will.
For more from Adam, check out The 6 Most Atrocious Uses of Facial Hair in Music History and The 11 Most Unintentionally Gay Rap Lyrics Ever.
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