7

"A Lot of People Have Been Asking Me ..."

This is something people say a lot when they're promoting their stuff. Now, I have no problem with self-promotion. If I did, I'd be the biggest hypocrite on the Internet. After all, I'm always promoting my Cracked columns, videos, and forthcoming novel now ready for pre-order!

6

"I Lost a Lot of Followers on That One"

This is a big one on Twitter when people want to be edgy. They'll tweet some hard-edged joke or, even more common, just say something political:

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5

"I Just Got This DM/Message"

This one is a little different, because even though it's an oft-told social media lie, it's often true as well. Facebook messaging and Twitter direct messages (or DMs) are incredibly buggy. They appear and disappear much like the sores on Cracked's own Felix Clay's STD-disfigured member. But that's exactly why it's such a great lie! It's impossible to call BS with 100 percent confidence.

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Unless you're this guy. He just can't be stopped.

4

Relationship Status: It's Complicated

No it's not. Only one of you loves the other, but you both still bone.

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Burn!

3

Listing Hobbies as Vocations

I've written about this before, but I have almost never called myself a writer -- like it's my job. I do make money writing. I am getting increasingly legit, as one does over time in any field, but until I can feed my kids and pay my bills and pay down my student loans doing nothing but writing outside of an established organization, I don't feel comfortable going around saying "I'm a writer." I write, but I'm not yet "a writer." That's why my Twitter bio lists things I do, but not what I am.

2

"I Haven't Been on Here in Forever!"

Social media comes with games. It comes with ways to meet new people. But most of all it comes with shame. A deep, abiding shame that even those born directly into the Internet age feel. Many people would rather admit to downloading borderline illegal porn than spending time on Facebook. Maybe it's because there seems to be a correlation between the number of social media postings and depression. Is this a proven scientific theory? I'm not sure. I'm basing it on my focus group of one:

"Oh hi!"

1

"I'm Quitting This Site!"

There's a lot of things that suck about the Internet, but the overriding problem with the Net is that it has people on it. So really it's no different from the world or life or your office: Some people are terrible, and the more of them there are in one place, the greater your chances of meeting them! That's why, after trolling or oversensitive political correctness or being misunderstood or any one of the things that can make social media annoying happens, people will say, "THAT'S IT! I'M QUITTING."

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Hello, old friend. You're good at everything!

This is one of those lies that only turns out to be a lie in hindsight. We know you're mad. You might even be right to be mad. But you'll be back. They always come back. We have hashtags and apps. Go blow off some steam. Live your life in the real world. But you can't avoid 1 a.m. and boredom forever. Social media will see you real soon. Bwahahahahaha!

GLADSTONE'S NOTES FROM THE INTERNET APOCALYPSE IS NOW AVAILABLE FOR PRE-ORDER!

After experiencing the joy of pre-ordering Book 1 of the trilogy, be sure to follow Gladstone on Twitter.

Also, you can get all your Internet Apocalypse news here as we count down to release.

What's the best way to put a liar to shame? Pick up a Tesla T-shirt and show us how you would defeat their villainy .