Suggesting that we play the Fifty Shades of Grey Party Game was the fastest way of telling my friends that I'm emotionally unstable without having to show them my penis. I'm not even sure if I should bother telling you the objective, because it's clear from the start that no one wins. "Party Game" hasn't been so ill-defined since Russian Roulette was invented.
The goal is to accumulate "Inner Goddess" tokens like you're an unusually needy deity. First you write a list of "Submissives," aka friends and family whom you're comfortable calling submissives. Then you take turns asking kind-of-naughty-but-not-really questions, and everyone votes on which Submissive best fits the scenario. The fact that this comes from a company called "imagination" is truly ironic.
Did Godek write this?
You win tokens by having the most popular answer and/or the answer that the question-asker chose. It's kind of like being on a bad first date, in that every detail you learn about your friends makes you like them less. But first, you all have to sign a non-disclosure agreement, a reference to both the novel and the fact that no one involved will ever want to discuss this again.
Guys, I don't think my friends took this board game's paperwork seriously.
Once that's out of the way, the fun continues to not begin:
My answers to those questions would be "Who cares?," "I don't want to know," and "Society pages? What are we, 80 year old aristocrats?," respectively, which suggests that my inner goddess isn't joining one of the cool pantheons anytime soon. If I wanted to know which of my friends was most likely to have sex while blindfolded, I would have bought blindfolds and cheap vodka instead of this game.
The questions are judgmental, uncomfortable, or both. Deciding which player is the most likely to break into an ex's home is like taking a poll of who should cease being your friend from that point on. I'd rather not think about which of my friends would love to be seduced in strange and unusual places, and I doubt they're terribly enamored with having to wonder about whether I'm the sort of person looking to get laid on top of the Sears Tower, either. It's like you're constantly voting your friends off of a reality show.
Either because we don't know each other well or because we didn't want to admit how well we know each other, my friends and I didn't get much consensus on who likes Valentine's Day the most, or who was the most likely to be turned on by this sexy, sexy Q&A. But there was one scenario we could all agree on:
Nine out of ten people agree that Cracked editor and columnist J.F. Sargent is likely to have a sugar daddy.
I offered to spice up the game by introducing the "Red Room" expansion pack, and you couldn't empty a room quicker if you had a gun that shot tigers (Like, shot out live ones. All guns can shoot tigers in the other sense). Now I'll never know which of my friends is into anal, which is the whole reason I hosted game night in the first place. Please don't tell them that, though.
For more from Mark, check out 6 Storytelling Problems Video Games Still Can't Fix. And then check out 17 Board Games Too Awesome To Exist.
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