If there's one thing I know about Ryan Seacrest, it's his name. The other thing I know is that he talks to famous people for a living and for the life of him he just can't even believe it.

"Welcome back, I'm Ryan Seacrest, and if I hadn't already pooped out all of my poop when I pooped from surprise earlier, I'd poop myself from surprise right now!"

Even when he's with people he works with on a daily basis.

"I'm flipping out because it's you again, still!"

After not even taking the time to Google "Ryan Seacrest," I can assume that he's had the "keeps his s**t together while being near celebrities" gig for at least a decade. After Googling "Ryan Seacrest," I know that he's worked in radio since 2004. But what Google can't tell me is why he's so amazed to be near a microphone.

Or a television set.

But even ignoring all that, through no further Googling, I know that Ryan Seacrest has at least interacted with and/or seen a wide variety of things over his decades of life as a human being. And yet ...

"You guys you guys you guys you guys you guys you guys you guys! A tree!"

Thanks to wild assumptions, I have concluded that Ryan Seacrest is from the past or the future, or he's like a reverse Benjamin Button who gets younger mentally but grows older physically so he's just now learning what trees are, or he's like a regular Benjamin Button who grows older mentally but gets younger physically and he's forgotten what trees are, or he's like an inverse opposite Benjamin Button who grows older mentally and physically, and he's just also pretty dumb.

But mostly I just hate John Mayer. Don't worry, he asked for it. But apparently he's also a huge May Head, because he goes to every f*****g John Mayer concert imaginable, it's nuts. He's just constantly traveling around the country, following J. May on tour. I just- You know, do something else with your life, man. Take a class, learn a skill. Hell, make music. Do anything other than watch John Mayer live in concert every f*****g night.

"John! Look over here!" - John

I mean this guy goes to literally every one, it's ridiculous. No wonder all of his songs sound the same; he doesn't listen to any other music! J. May, if you're only watching your own concerts all the time, chances are you're not going to be pushing yourself creatively. Your music career will become an Ouroboros and you'll wind up with songs called "Wonderland of Your Body" or "I Can't Think of Any Other John Mayer Songs to Slightly Rearrange the Title Of."

And you think you're so cool just because you get to go backstage at a John Mayer concert, John Mayer? Well, you're not. Not if you go backstage to the same person's concert over and over. It's pathetic. And honestly, it's a little creepy. If I were John Mayer, I'd watch out for you, John Mayer.

That was rough, I know, and I'm sorry you had to deal with that, JB, but look! See? You already have a new phone!

Also? You're not wearing your reading glasses, Jiebs. Why aren't you wearing your reading glasses? Are you embarrassed? 'Cause listen, don't let your crew make fun of you for needing glasses. I know teens and tweens can be cruel, but you need your glasses. You know that. Wear them. Wear your f*****g reading glasses, Justin.

Oh, and lower your eyebrows, son! A lot of people follow and look up to you. If you keep this up, more people will start trying really hard to touch their eyebrows to their hairline. But that's impossible, because those things are separated by foreheads. It simply can't be done. It's alarming to think about pictures like this, pictures that almost 10 million impressionable young people are exposed to every day. Fangirl or fanboy, it is impossible to touch one's eyebrows to one's head. Again, because your forehead's in the way. Beliebers be tripping if they think they're going to touch brow to head without some kind of corrective surgery that removes the forehead. Please be more responsible, Justin Bieber, who I know reads this column. And speaking of corrective surgery ...

OK, this girl needs to get surgery on her hideously massive right shoulder, and she needs to do it yesteryear. I mean, girl can't even hold that s**t up without her hip helping out. Yo, Paris, I know you got the richest money out there, so go buy yourself the best doctor on the planet and fix your (again, hideous) arm. Because honestly, your handicap is distracting everyone.

I mean, look at that crowd of people trying really hard not to stare at that thing. Oh, and Paris, brace yourself if the word "hideous" bothers you, because that's the only correct word to use in this situation, and I'll be using it a lot. If you'd like me to stop using it, change the situation and do something about that hideously massive thing growing next to and just below your neck.

And just from a health and fitness perspective, you should take better care of yourself. That can't be good for your back. You shouldn't be bending like that, girl! Maybe they make corrective slings that can withstand the weight of your enormous right shoulder? If they do, you should get one. Or more realistically, you should get an industrial one specially made. I assume you already have a person to specially alter your clothes to fit and support that hideous whale dick you call an arm, so just get them to fashion a cute little sling, too. Or better yet, as I pointed out earlier, use your money to buy some more money and then use the more money to pay for the best plastic-surgeon-slash-traveling-freak-show-mad-scientist there is. I'm sure there's at least one. We're all rooting for you, girl!

Run.

Seriously, holy s**t, look at this stuff:

Seashells lined up in a row, shoe trees arranged like anything. This girl was born to 'gram, and I am deadly serious. I feel like Ryan Seacrest right now, I can't even f*****g handle this.

I mean, just look at this stuff...

In a headband, sitting on the floor in front of a tiny piano.

All these goddamn cats.

f*****g scrapbooking.

Most of a hand next to the window of an airplane.

Some pretty flowers in a hand.

This thing.

A letter written on each finger, and those fingers are on the keys of a piano. Great filter choice, too, holy s**t.

COFFEE FOAM A COIN PURSE AND PART OF A HAND ARE YOU f*****g KIDDING ME

Sewing material.

This f*****g landscape.

Another great filter choice, plus a cat, plus a bunch of nice pillows.

I'm practically speechless, this girl is so incredible at this. Paul Instagram must be cumming in his grave right now.

Cody Johnston is a writer, performer, editor, FX artist, and scientist for Cracked.com. Follow him on Twitter and Tumblr, because otherwise what are we all even doing here, you guys?