As we established earlier, our society tends to rank nipples somewhere between Cthulhu and the Taliban on our "things we don't want to encounter on a trip to the mall" scale. But did you know there are actually many people who quite enjoy viewing them in our off time?
And on time. And stand-by time.
Still, even privately displayed nipples have their pitfalls. Let's say you meet a nice person, enjoy a great evening out with them, and find yourself in a situation where getting hot and bothered is a welcome addition to the proceedings. As things take their natural course, you slowly, sexily start removing your clothes. And then, the other person bursts out laughing at the ridiculous color of your nipples, picks up their stuff, and marches out the door -- all the way pointing at your chest and screaming like he was Donald Sutherland and you were about to be Body Snatchered so damn hard.
Has the above scenario ever happened to you? Anyone? No? Well, according to several manufacturers peddling nipple dyes, it totally could, and you should take action right now.
via Henna King
By which they mean you should rub this shit all over your areolae.
Yes, someone out there has foreseen the potential of people actually being dissatisfied with the horrifying color of their nipples. To solve this life-threatening problem, they have selflessly created various dye creams to help nipples finally achieve that "perfect, pert look" they have so long been denied by cruel nature.
These dyes are available in all-natural colors, such as "charcoal black," "sunset," and "raisin glaze," which to us non-experts seems like a fairly poor moniker for a breast product.
Not to start debates with marketing professionals, but is this really an image you want to associate with your areola creams?
Strangely enough, women have met these revolutionary products with bafflement and barely contained sarcasm, as if they -- or, indeed, anyone -- wouldn't appreciate painting their nipples with weird colors that the manufacturer promises are "kiss-proof."
Man, isn't that depressing? You could almost think that women don't want to be force-fed bullshit beauty ideals that stem from porn, fashion, and gossip magazines.
Special thanks to M. Asher Cantrell for his suggestions in this article. Buy his book about words.
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