The Kush Breast Separator's main selling point is that it prevents wrinkles and keeps the upper breast from crushing the lower one while the user sleeps on her side, although we know Kush's shadow agenda is all about preventing the inevitable boob revolution that will take place without this high level of isolation. If the boobs get too close, they'll start talking and getting ideas, you see, and we can't very well have them get organized, now can we? No, of course not. Separate quarters for you, boob and other boob.

Kush
You can tell she's relaxed because she's surrounded by a family of hideous-looking flower clip art.

Outside of porn (which gets a free pass because it pretty much rules the world), nipples are treated with fear and disdain. And that line of thinking is how we wind up with products like Invisinips:

Cuchini
Their slogan is "Our Nips Are Sealed," because of course it is.

From the minds of the geniuses that brought us the Cuchini camel-toe-hiding apparatus come these flesh cookie-shaped plastic stickers, which can be glued on top of the nipple to forever hide the abomination from mankind. Should the lady giving these products a go (and subsequently having to peel these self-adhesive stickers off where it really hurts) still wish to give them another try, no problem! They're reusable.

roboriginal/Photos.com
"I'll definitely use these again, although mainly because my nipples just came off with them."

Here's what the Amazon page of Cuchini Invisinips says about the product:

Amazon

I suppose it's technically possible that the "Use over and over and stay green!" phrase refers to the ecological benefits of reusing the Invisinips, but I think we can all agree that it really means the product will physically turn the user green. After all, any person who willingly sticks Invisinips on their nipples is probably halfway to being a Martian anyway, even if there are hot pink organza bags involved.

via WhatMimiWrites
Wait, hot pink? Stop the presses, this changes everything.

"I am standard human woman. Making my nipples plastic and aggressive increased my salary and I will live forever. Buy all of this product!"

Hey, you know what else can increase your breast size if you eat it every day for months? Normal cookies. Chocolate. Lard. Literally anything that makes you fatter.

Brent Hofacker/Photos.com
I'll just leave this here.

Yes, that's a goddamn toning belt for your boobs; a toning bra, if you will. Never again do you have to dread that your breasts will lose their fight to gravity, sag, and/or spontaneously grow spider legs and crawl away while you sleep. This thing will keep them good, perky, and shackled.

Forever.

This product may look like a particularly unfortunate prop from a lost Joel Schumacher Batman movie, but the Pangao breast enhancer claims all sorts of benefits for its user: Not only can it stimulate the breast, it will also accelerate blood circulation and "activate cell renewal and hormone secretion through physical massage with forceful vibration," which is probably not half as painful and dubious as it sounds. Pangao also promises to make the breasts "graceful and rounded, sexy and youthful."

Pangao
"Hey, that actually sounds pretty awesome!"

Oh, and there's also a bunch of stuff about "dredging breast glands," "eliminating blood stasis," and "obvious hunch available," but I'm sure that's just marketing jargon and can safely be disregarded.

Pangao
"Wait, what?"

As we established earlier, our society tends to rank nipples somewhere between Cthulhu and the Taliban on our "things we don't want to encounter on a trip to the mall" scale. But did you know there are actually many people who quite enjoy viewing them in our off time?

Rejean Perreault/Photos.com
And on time. And stand-by time.

Still, even privately displayed nipples have their pitfalls. Let's say you meet a nice person, enjoy a great evening out with them, and find yourself in a situation where getting hot and bothered is a welcome addition to the proceedings. As things take their natural course, you slowly, sexily start removing your clothes. And then, the other person bursts out laughing at the ridiculous color of your nipples, picks up their stuff, and marches out the door -- all the way pointing at your chest and screaming like he was Donald Sutherland and you were about to be Body Snatchered so damn hard.

Has the above scenario ever happened to you? Anyone? No? Well, according to several manufacturers peddling nipple dyes, it totally could, and you should take action right now.

via Henna King
By which they mean you should rub this shit all over your areolae.

Yes, someone out there has foreseen the potential of people actually being dissatisfied with the horrifying color of their nipples. To solve this life-threatening problem, they have selflessly created various dye creams to help nipples finally achieve that "perfect, pert look" they have so long been denied by cruel nature.

Jupiterimages/Photos.com
Artist's representation.

These dyes are available in all-natural colors, such as "charcoal black," "sunset," and "raisin glaze," which to us non-experts seems like a fairly poor moniker for a breast product.

Stockbyte/Stockbyte/Getty Images
Not to start debates with marketing professionals, but is this really an image you want to associate with your areola creams?

Strangely enough, women have met these revolutionary products with bafflement and barely contained sarcasm, as if they -- or, indeed, anyone -- wouldn't appreciate painting their nipples with weird colors that the manufacturer promises are "kiss-proof."

Man, isn't that depressing? You could almost think that women don't want to be force-fed bullshit beauty ideals that stem from porn, fashion, and gossip magazines.

Special thanks to M. Asher Cantrell for his suggestions in this article. Buy his book about words.

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