Chris ends it by trying to guilt-trip her in the weirdest way, saying that if she doesn't go with him on the date, he'll go without her. Obviously, this last-ditch effort to get her to reconsider a romance with this boring, unfriendly nutsack backfires too, and she leaves him alone in the rain.
Rich -- Why Am I Still Single?
Why Am I Still Single? seeks to answer the question found in the title. How can totally unlikable people be single? It's a question that has bothered the socially atrocious for years, and it's a show that reaches its climax in the first episode, with the stunning example of Rich, a 34-year-old who likes to wear kimonos while crouching in his garden and peppers conversations with waitresses with as many French words as he can muster. He says, "It's hard to find cool people," and I imagine that's very true for him, as he comes to his first date dressed in a bright blue jacket, white shirt, and red pants, which signals the runway attendants of vaginas to tell their pilots to do a few more passes before settling down when Rich has finally exited the building.
Fortunately for women everywhere, that suit comes with a siren.
The show's host, Siggy Flicker (not a joke), and her aptly named team of "love pickers" (also not a joke) dissect Rich with all the specificity of an H-bomb. Siggy repeats the phrase "phony bologna" constantly when describing him, as if she's surprised that the two words still rhyme whenever she lays them down again. Her "love pickers" never get much further than, "He thinks he's a player, but he's not!" ... an insight that's psychologically comparable to telling someone that their shirt is inside-out. And being worn around their crotch like a diaper. After hours and hours of watching these shows, I still have no clue what it takes to be a matchmaker, other than the constant desire to be unhappy with the petty romantic issues of others.
And the saint-like restraint to not shoot this douche in the face with a rocket launcher.
However, since this is a VH1 reality show, even Rich himself is taken aback by their criticism, and he immediately changes. I know that it's tough to go into deeper analysis than saying that a person is trying to act cool when they really aren't, but maybe Rich wouldn't be so lonely if he had a personality with enough consistency to withstand the loose remarks of a stranger. If I took every suggestion completely to heart, I'd be wiping up the tears caused by my 40th attempt at grad school with my 1,000th ShamWow.
Daniel wants to talk to someone, anyone about Take Me Out. Indulge him on Twitter.
For more from Daniel, check out 6 Movie Special Effects That Have Gotten Worse Over Time. And then check out 23 Romantic Movies Revised for Honesty.