6 Celebrity Endorsements Obama Should Have Turned Down

SiCKO is an O’Moorenell documentary that takes as its thesis that everywhere in the world except America, pregnant mothers are paid small fortunes to take off work for two years and get waited on hand and foot by trained government nannies who are also the world’s top neurosurgeons (you know, in case anything happens). Similarly, O’Moorenell has hammered away at logical political discourse with such nuggets of wisdom as “I hope the Catholic Church gets sued until the end of time,” “if men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament,” and “if you own a gun, I think you should go to prison.” Which, if you ask me, would just make prisons even more dangerous. Which is not to mention Mosie’s questioning of Donald Trump’s moral compass after he reinstated Miss USA Tara Connor. Come off it, Mosie; Trump is this nation’s beating heart, and you and I both know it.

What The Endorsement Says About The Campaign:

The Crazy:

There may be such a thing as too elite. Sure, Barack wants to be portrayed as the intelligent, well-spoken candidate, but Hitchens’ brand of “I’m right, you’re wrong” rhetoric can alienate, say, everyone who doesn’t agree with him on every issue. And some issues are touchier than others. I don’t care how well reasoned his arguments are, writing a book called No One Left to Lie To: The Triangulations of William Jefferson Clinton isn’t the quickest way to rouse the Democratic voters. Unless his intention is to arouse them in the form of a torch-wielding mob, that is. What could be worse than writing a book slamming Clinton? How about one slamming Mother Theresa called Missionary Position? We get it; you’re not down with religion. But come on man, writing a whole book ragging on possibly the most beloved dead nun of all time? And naming the book after a bland, banal sex act? She’s a saint, dude. Literally.

What The Endorsement Says About The Campaign:

An American Carol with Jon Voight and Bill O’Reilly this year is almost like turning Vader at the end of Return of the Jedi. That’s got to count for something, right?

The Crazy:

Hopper’s always been pigeonholed as the “manically insane guy,” and there may be a reason for that. He’s run the rehab gamut, had a one week marriage, and was at one time blacklisted in Hollywood for refusing direction on eighty takes over the course of a few days. But the incident that got him on this list involves him and Rip Torn having an altercation (insofar as one is capable of having an altercation with Rip Torn) on the set of Easy Rider. The details are hazy, but Hopper was ultimately fined $900,000 for pulling a knife on Torn, which is like pulling a knife on Smokey the Bear. Which is to say, not cool. Of course, this only came to light in 1999, after Hopper claimed that Rip Torn pulled a knife on him during a Jay Leno interview. Rip Torn filed a defamation suit, claiming that it was actually Hopper who pulled the knife. After getting a look at Rip Torn, the judge quickly agreed that this was a far more likely scenario. Oh, and Hopper also painted this: I’m not saying it makes him crazy, I’m just saying my art is mostly of puppies playing on a beach at sunset, and I’m the sanest guy we know.

What The Endorsement Says About The Campaign:

no way he’s backing the same candidate as his archrival, Daddy Yankee.

The Fiddy Bump:

Candidates are always looking for ways to electrify the youth, and with two Platinum albums under his belt, 50 has a proven track record of saying words into the ears of young people all across America. Of course, that doesn’t mean they’ll do everything he says. If it did, candy shops everywhere would be doing record lollypop business. But having someone on his side who's taken nine bullets and lived to tell the tale might just give that “street” edge Obama’s always trying to get across some real legitimacy.

The Crazy:

I’m not going to call 50 Cent crazy for selling crack and running guns and drug money since the age of twelve. As someone who’s been in that boat more times than I care to recall, I understand that there are days when a rock and a Glock are your only friends. Besides, if that were the standard of insanity for rappers, this list would become longer than the amount of words I’m paid to write. Where Fiddy distinguishes himself from the common celebrity psychopath is in his seeming unawareness that he no longer needs to get shot at. After soaking up more gunfire than Beirut, making a video game about it, and appearing in a movie with DeNiro and Pacino, he still seems to go out of his way to piss off guys with guns. Most rappers have beefs with other artists; it’s all part of the act. But in the vast majority of cases, the arguments rarely go beyond a publicity stunt and some lyrics about Suge Knight being a homosexual. Not Mr. Cent. Since his rise to fame, he’s been stabbed because of a dispute with Ja Rule and Murder, Inc., written songs attacking Fat Joe, Nas, and Jadakiss and accusing P. Diddy of The Notorious B.I.G.’s murder, and continues a feud with The Game that has resulted in gunshot wounds to several parties. Now, I don’t claim to know a lot about rap, but near as I can tell, 50 Cent literally hates

all other rappers, and frequently uses his music as a medium for challenging them to gun battles. It was Get Rich OR Die Tryin’, Fiddy. You’re rich now, which means you don’t have to follow through on the death bit. What’s say you squash all that beef, and we cook us some burgers?

What The Endorsement Says About The Campaign:

What The Endorsement Says About The Campaign:

“I want to see black intellectuals ... not controlled by members of the Jewish community.”

“Murder and lying comes easy for white people.”

“I know this man Cokely. If he said it, he’s got the stuff to back it up.”

The last is in reference to Steve Cokely’s assertion that Jews injected black children with AIDS as part of an international conspiracy to take over the world. If Cokely's got the evidence to back that up, I'd REALLY like to see it. Of course, it wouldn’t quite be the bottom of the loony well without a UFO mention. During a 1989 press conference, Farrakhan attributed much of his drive and success to a vision he had in Mexico of a “Wheel, or what you would call an Unidentified Flying Object” that flew him to a “human built planet” (likely Coruscant), where he was spoken to by his dead mentor (likely Alec Guinness in semi-opaque blue). That, folks, is Kucinich crazy. I mean, hell, I go out to the desert and have visions of aliens like once a month, and you don’t see me holding press conferences about them. I just pay my dealer and move on.

What The Endorsement Says About The Campaign:

Think that’s a downer, Obama boosters? Allow me to leave you with the worst possible campaign endorsement short of Satan manifesting on Earth to attend a swing state rally in a "Hope" shirt.

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When not writing for Cracked, Michael lives in a state of constant political neutrality as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!