5

"How's Your Father?" -- England

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What It Sounds Like It Means:

How is the man whose sperm provided approximately half your DNA and who wore socks with sandals and taught you all the good swear words? How is that guy? Did he ever finish that book he was writing about the Civil War? Well, great to run into you, give your dad my best. And hey, tell him I said, "That's not my golf club!" He'll know what that means.

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"I do not know what that means."

What It Actually Means:

Sex.

Why It Makes Sense:

The phrase "How's your father?" was coined, at least in this context, by British comedian Harry Tate in the 1930s. Playing up the infamous British discomfort with all things sexual, confrontational, or vulgar (or, as they're known in America, the Big Three), he would answer any crass statement with a stammered "I ... er ... well ... how's your father?" The Shakespearean phrase "the beast with two backs" was apparently a little too graphic for fragile English sensibilities, so they snapped up this new, even vaguer euphemism with gusto.

The phrase is pretty old-fashioned now, though, so you might want to rely on more current double entendres, such as "having a bit of the old in-and-out," "parking the Plymouth in the garage," or "doin' it real good."

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"Ah, you mean 'the old repeating penile thrusts in the vaginal cavity,
leading to seminal ejaculation into the cervix.' Yeah, I know that."

4

"A Raisin in the Sausage" -- Norway

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What It Sounds Like It Means:

It's a slang term for an STD for sure. Norwegian super-herpes? The Scandinavian Scandal? The ... having raisins on your dick?

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What It Actually Means:

A pleasant surprise in something already good.

Why It Makes Sense:

Norway is consistently rated one of the best places to live on Earth. On the Human Development Index, which ranks countries based on life expectancy, education, and income, Norway has topped the list 10 out of the last 12 years. It's a super-country, where every man looks like Thor and every woman looks like the blonde lady from ABBA, and they all have Ph.D.s.

But do not ever, ever try to convince me that Norway is perfect while they still have a phrase that implies that raisins can improve the quality of anything. Raisins are just grapes that no one loved. Raisins have only ever served as a cruel joke at the expense of chocolate chip cookie lovers and as trick-or-treat giveaways for people who hate children. Anyone who tries to convince you otherwise has just found a convenient way to get around actually using the word "sociopath" when describing themselves.

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"Two scoops!"

3

"He's Ripping Clouds With His Nose" -- Serbia

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What It Sounds Like It Means:

Jewish. Definitely something offensive about Jews.

What It Actually Means:

He's very conceited.

Why It Makes Sense:

Social animals rely heavily on body language to communicate. In wolf packs, a head raised high is a cue meant to assert dominance. Humans are able to communicate through more advanced means, including language, vocal inflection, and those little iPhone emoticons, but body language still plays a big part in our intraspecies interactions.

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For example, this is the international sign for "Please engage me in conversation, random stranger."

It's exhausting to have to approach every commoner you meet and tell them verbally how much better than them you are; fortunately, a simple backward head tilt will convey the same information. The phrase "look down your nose at someone" is referring to this exact posture. Serbians have taken this to a metaphoric extreme, implying that someone is so conceited, his nose so high in the air, that he's actually ripping the cloud cover apart.

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"Cloud fucking," if you will.

2

"A Lively Needle" -- Japan

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What It Sounds Like It Means:

Some combination of a knee-slapping hoedown and a sewing implement lost in a haystack. Maybe a reference to an Amish party game, where you have to find the needle in the bale of hay before the sun goes down and the black-eyed creatures begin to emerge from the woods in search of human flesh and zipper-free pants. (I'm not 100 percent clear what the tenets of Amish society are.)

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"That's just ignorant and foolish ... everyone know their eyes are red."

What It Actually Means:

A male sex partner who's willing and enthusiastic, but, uh ... under-endowed.

Why It Makes Sense:

You know needles, right? You know how you wouldn't want to have sex with one? Good, you're all caught up. Once you know what it means, it makes perfect sense. It also induces a vivid and haunting nightmare involving Ryan Gosling, a romantic walk along a moonlit beach, and the business end of a sewing machine.

FilmDistrict
I'm 90 percent sure this was the original ending for Drive.

1

"She Has Long Teeth" -- France

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What It Sounds Like It Means:

A person, specifically a woman, has teeth that are longer than average, long enough that they should be counted on.

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"Swanks," as they call them in the industry.

Or wait! The phrase "long in the tooth" means "old" in English, and the French are basically the raisin to America's grape. It must mean the same thing.

What It Actually Means:

She's ambitious.

Why It Makes Sense:

The English phrase "long in the tooth" actually refers to horses, whose teeth keep growing throughout their lives, so a horse's tooth length corresponds directly to how likely he is to insist that his computer is broken because he lost the CD with the Internet on it.

In French, though, "long teeth" emerged in the vernacular in the 14th century to mean "hungry"; after that, it took a short symbolic leap to mean "hungry for success," or "ambitious." Too bad it's metaphorical; Katherine Heigl's character in Knocked Up would have looked awesome with Nigel Thornberry teeth.

Universal Studios
Smashing.