I've never seen anyone understand what it's like to be American more than the makers of Metal Wolf Chaos, and I once watched a man die during a pie eating contest from alcohol poisoning. Also, like most Americans, the game is way more awesome than it is correct. It used Clinton-era graphics in a game about George W. Bush driving a robot, and everyone knows that Bush wasn't even allowed near pinking shears without a 2/3 majority approval from Congress. Even if there was a Presidential Robosuit, and fuck you if there isn't, they would have kept Bush away from it by labeling it "book." Plus, the only person patient enough to teach George W. Bush how to pilot a mech was killed by the Romans 2,000 years ago. I guess my point is that it's troubling how careless Japan is about mixing robots and the retarded. There's only one way that combination of things can end: Americanly.

Viagra was actually invented in England. Which is weird because hard-ons and money used to be our thing. Plus, you don't normally expect something as elegant as take-a-pill-get-a-boner from U.K. scientists. If they sat down to cure erectile dysfunction, you'd expect something more along the lines of a chewing gum that inflates into a vagina when hit with a watch laser. This whole boner pill thing was probably a lab accident made by British engineers trying to get a deployable bridge and a fish scaler to grow out of your dick.

Viagra is now so common in America that walking by a drugstore gives you a contact erection. Those British biochemists have helped more unattractive women get laid than good personalities and moonshine combined. Before this pill came along, we had to pick between our two favorite Liberties: The Right to Bear Pizza and The Right to Bear Boners. Now, our nation's biggest assholes write entire books about

Ethically, no comedy writer should be hyperbolizing about Chuck Norris after 2006, but his Americantasticness makes him the perfect figurehead for a point I want to make: Every cartoon that defined American childhoods was drawn by a disinterested Korean. Chuck Norris is certainly as American as karate, but his animators were all Tae Kwon Do.

The list is endless: Transformers, ThunderCats, Super Friends ... all done in Korea. There was at least one point where a guy in Songpa-gu got up from drawing Snake-Eyes to ask his coworkers, "Why do I even bother to put my name on my dog sandwiches if some dickhead, probably Chul-Moo, is just going to eat them anyway."

And down the street from the G.I. JOE cartoonists, a pile of He-Man and the Masters of the Universe storyboards were confusing the hell out of a group of artists at Dong Woo Animation. On a different subject, Dong Woo Animation is the same studio He-Man himself would have picked because on Eternia the words "Dong" and "Woo" mean "Cock" and "Hooray."

Studies conducted by Shake Weight's® own scientists have shown it's seven times more effective at "burning muscle energy" than a dumbbell that you're not pretending to jerk off. As an American, I'm done thinking about that, and if you told me that a Google search of the phrase "burning muscle energy" led exclusively to websites selling Shake Weights®, I'd punch you in your Socialist face.

My point is, this is the USA way to get in shape -- suspiciously easy, dangerously unlikely, and handjobs. Smart readers may have already guessed this next plot twist, but it wasn't made in America. The Shake Weight® was developed by a South African in Taiwan. Not cool. Americans didn't spend hundreds of years convincing our gentle-handed women to love handjobs so some foreigners could swoop in and take advantage of them. Maybe I'm stupid for thinking these things work, but Shake Weights® have replaced Vagisil as the first thing I look for in a girl's apartment. I'd rather get a rash than put my junk into an unthrottled milking machine that was once an arm. Taiwanese engineers are probably responsible for more dongs being torn off than He-Man and all the Masters of the Universe put together.

Seanbaby invented being funny on the Internet. You can follow him on Twitter or face him on Facebook.

For more Seanbaby articles inspired by fuckin' 'merica, see If Awesome Lunatics Ran Airlines, Iraqi Failures for the Troops, and How to Show America You Care with Homemade Fireworks