Viagra was actually invented in England. Which is weird because hard-ons and money used to be our thing. Plus, you don't normally expect something as elegant as take-a-pill-get-a-boner from U.K. scientists. If they sat down to cure erectile dysfunction, you'd expect something more along the lines of a chewing gum that inflates into a vagina when hit with a watch laser. This whole boner pill thing was probably a lab accident made by British engineers trying to get a deployable bridge and a fish scaler to grow out of your dick.
Viagra is now so common in America that walking by a drugstore gives you a contact erection. Those British biochemists have helped more unattractive women get laid than good personalities and moonshine combined. Before this pill came along, we had to pick between our two favorite Liberties: The Right to Bear Pizza and The Right to Bear Boners. Now, our nation's biggest assholes write entire books about
doing both at the same time
. I'll never forgive you for that, England.
Arnold Schwarzenegger, described here, is very foreign. He came here from Austria decades ago to pursue a career as a body builder, and he's shown us that while exercise is great for the body, it's terrible for the accent. Arnold has been in this country for 11 years longer than Chris Farley was alive, and the man still sounds like an Austrian patient screaming for his dentist to stop. He was in charge of an entire state, but if you ask him which one, the sounds that come out of his mouth don't correspond to any map. He says "California" like a cab driver spelling a fart sound.
Despite his heritage, Arnold is so American that he bleeds dipping sauce. You know how Americans like to say stupid shit right before and after we kill someone? Arnold practically invented that. Before Arnold, we thought gun control was a violation of our Second Amendment rights. Now we know that gun control is just what you call it when a guy can keep firing an M60 while throwing stars hit him. We elected him governor based only on the qualification that the other candidates hadn't made Commando, Predator, Terminator and Running Man. He didn't invent the American tradition of putting the least qualified person in charge, but he totally perfected it.
Studies have shown that the average American man thinks about sex 78 percent of every second, and Arnold Schwarzenegger movies are based on the other 37 percent. And speaking of numbers, Arnold impregnated his family's housekeeper and she was a three. Why? Fuck your why -- Americans do stuff because we can, not because of math.
Sorry, Sub-Zeroes, but if I ever met someone named Sub-Zero, I'd count on the judge being lenient based on how sweet it would be to kill you and then say this. Same goes for anyone named Spencer Pratt.
Yes! Arnold is such a man that every pair of his underwear has to be individually cleaned with a rape kit before it can be thrown away.
Speaking of divorce, Arnold's real wife probably knew he impregnated the housekeeper when she saw the ejaculation exit wounds on her back.
The fact that his brain didn't stop his mouth from saying that is why I love this great American so much.
Ugh. You know, on second thought: Go back to Germany, asshole!